When it comes to improving libido, the best advice — the advice that is truly evidence-based — tends to be rather unsexy: Get plenty of sleep. Manage stress. Address underlying relationship schisms or medical issues that may be sapping your sex drive.
But even if you manage to do all that, desire can feel slippery and elusive, constantly changing in response to an almost impossibly long list of factors that includes everything from body image and hormones to whatever irritating thing your partner just said.
It’s no wonder desire discrepancies are one of the top reasons couples seek out therapy.
Still, many of us cling to the idea that libido “should” function like a light switch, said Emily Morse, a sex educator and host of the “Sex With Emily” podcast. And we feel bad when it doesn’t.
“I don’t think of libido as something that you really boost or fix,” Ms. Morse said. “It’s something you create the conditions for.”
I spoke to Ms. Morse and a handful of sex therapists and educators about some strategies that can help.
Do a ‘turnoff’ audit.
When you’re trying to reignite desire, it can feel counterintuitive to dwell on all of the stuff that turns you off. But making an effort to better understand what tends to lower your arousal can be useful, said David F. Khalili, a sexologist and licensed marriage and family therapist in San Francisco.
He explained that people often think low libido is something you “fix” by addition — picking up new sex toys, for example, or new techniques. Mr. Khalili finds it is often easier for his clients to identify the things that get in the way of their desire.
Libido killers can include “feeling criticized, rushed foreplay, having sex when exhausted or just the same predictable sex script,” he said. Even ratty pajamas or wearing socks in bed could be a culprit.
Try to keep the list specific, and focus on things that are within your control, Mr. Khalili recommended. It can help to jot down two turnoffs and two turn-ons you want to discuss with your partner — ideally when you’re not distracted or too tired — and to express gratitude, maybe by sharing what you love about your relationship, he recommended.
Plan intimacy the right way.
Scheduling sex has become a cliché bit of advice. And while it’s helpful for some couples, it can also backfire, said Rachel Wright, a New York-based licensed marriage and family therapist.
When she tells clients to schedule sex, she often thinks what they hear is a mandate: At 8 p.m., I must have intercourse. Throughout the day, they can feel a kind of pressure looming. Instead, she encourages clients to think of it as “scheduling a container for physical intimacy.”
That might mean putting an hour on your calendar for nonsexual touch, she said, like cuddling on the couch or trading back massages.
Many people experience “responsive desire,” or desire that emerges in response to touch or other erotic stimuli, rather than sexual urges that pop up spontaneously. So you may start the hour feeling utterly disinterested in sex but find that your desire starts to emerge in response to your partner, say, gently kneading your back, Ms. Wright explained.
But even if that preplanned physical intimacy doesn’t lead to sex, it can help you feel closer and more connected to each other and to your own body.
On a date when you have put sex on the calendar, do what you can to make “pro-sex” choices throughout the day, said Ian Kerner, the author of “She Comes First” and a sex therapist based in New York City. “Be nice to each other, avoid conflict, pitch in to make sure the decks are clear, go to the gym.” (Exercise can help sexual function.)
Equally important: Do your best to avoid activities he called “anti-sex,” like bringing home a lot of work or “phubbing” — being more focused on your phone than on your partner.
Put on your rose-colored glasses.
Taking a compassionate view of your partner can often help stimulate libido, said Lori Davis, a sex counselor in Ithaca, N.Y.
“We’re never going to get turned on if we think our partner’s a jerk and they don’t load the dishwasher the right way,” she said. “We have to quiet that negativity bias.”
You might ask yourself: What do I appreciate about this person? What am I being critical about? Can I leave those things out of the bedroom, at least for a little bit?
If you find that what you are trying to momentarily set outside the bedroom door is inescapable, that’s important information to have, she said.
Often people struggling with low desire are really struggling with deeper emotional or relational “blocks,” said Kate Balestrieri, a psychologist and sex therapist and the author of “What Happened to My Sex Life?”
Dr. Balestrieri says it can help to ponder questions like: Am I people pleasing in this relationship? Can I afford to be more assertive about what I want? Are my needs being met?
Switch up the who, when and how.
Anyone who has ever lusted over a crush knows how novelty can fuel desire. When you feel butterflies, part of that is because of a drop in the neurotransmitter serotonin and increase in dopamine, explained Justin Garcia an evolutionary biologist and director of the Kinsey Institute.
On the flip side, research shows familiarity can hamper sexual functioning. But all is not lost for those in long-term relationships, the experts said. A simple change or two to your usual sexual script can provide a jolt of excitement.
“If you’re usually the one who waits, try initiating,” recommended Justin Pere, a sex therapist in Seattle.
Don’t worry if it feels awkward or even if it doesn’t lead to sex, he said, adding that making the first move can sometimes reintroduce a sense of sexual agency or confidence.
Another option is to switch up when you have sex.
Joan Price, a sex educator and author of “Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud About Senior Sex,” recommended spending a week or two really noticing whether there are particular times of day you tend to feel turned on, or even just more relaxed. Use that intel to schedule intimacy, or to act upon it in the moment, Ms. Price said.
Learn a new skill together.
Trying a new activity — ideally, something tactile — can help people open up to intimacy, Dr. Balestrieri said. That’s because it offers a potent combination of novelty, collaboration and physical touch, she explained.
Consider a cooking class, a new fitness routine or even pairing up to learn how to play a video game. Steer clear of activities where one of you has a lot more experience; the idea is to dabble in something new together.
“When you can do that,” Dr. Balestrieri explained, “there is often a shared vulnerability that suddenly makes getting back in the bedroom maybe not feel so scary.”
One way to “bio-hack” your body’s reward system is to seek out adventure with your partner, Dr. Garcia said. That doesn’t necessarily mean going skydiving; exploring a new part of town or watching a scary movie together will do, he said.
When you do things that “are a little bit risky” with your partner, your brain starts to associate those feelings of excitement and novelty with your partner, he said.
Take the pressure off.
Many experts in intimacy stressed that people often fear normal ebbs and flows in desire and libido — and beat themselves up if they are not experiencing them in a specific (usually spontaneous) way.
“One of the biggest libido killers is trying to feel desire on demand,” Ms. Morse said. Pressuring yourself and overthinking things only make the situation worse, she added.
Focus on getting out of your head and into your body, she advised, a concept therapists sometimes refer to as “embodiment.” During intimate moments — either with a partner or on your own — take note: Is anything causing you pleasure? Tension? Discomfort? What is happening with your breath?
Sexual desire “mostly shows up when somebody feels safe, they feel present, they feel alive in their body,” she added.
In certain cases, it may help to take sex out of the equation altogether, Mr. Pere said.
For partners grappling with major desire discrepancies, a brief, agreed-upon hiatus can shift the focus to exploring avenues for pleasure outside of sex. For instance, they can explore nonsexual touch, he said, or flirting.
“Paradoxically,” Mr. Pere said, “desire can grow when sex isn’t constantly on the table.”
Catherine Pearson is a Times reporter who writes about families and relationships.
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