I have heard of two cases recently of older relatives’ making hurtful comments to our young adult relatives under the guise of imparting wisdom or giving helpful advice. In the first instance, a grandparent told a young adult grandchild to lose weight. In the second, an older uncle told a young nephew that he talks too much. Both young people came to me and told me how hurt they were by these comments. I was flabbergasted by the bluntness of my older relatives, but I wasn’t sure how to respond. I don’t want to get caught in the middle of these conflicts, but I don’t disagree with the comments, either: The nephew talks incessantly, and the grandchild eats voraciously. What should I do?
RELATIVE
Let’s start with the good news: It’s terrific that your younger relatives felt they could come to you. You must have modeled kindness and empathy for them if they felt that you would be a source of help. Well done! Also well done: staying out of this. You would not be helping anyone by encouraging young adults to triangulate their conflicts by counting on older third parties to intercede.
That’s not where this ends, of course. It’s unclear from your letter exactly how you responded to the young people. I hope you expressed compassion for their hurt feelings. If you didn’t, get back in touch with them now: “I’ve been thinking about that comment your grandparent made,” for instance. Tell them you’re sorry that they were hurt. Then really help them out: Send them back to the source of their hurt!
Learning to stand up for ourselves is an important life skill — especially for young adults who may have relied on their parents (or you) to solve problems for them. Encourage them to communicate their feelings to their older relatives, as well as their expectations for future conversations. Offer to role-play these encounters with them to prepare for any resistance they may receive. That’s the compassionate response here: helping young people to set boundaries and to process unwanted criticism.
How Hard to Push for a Cause You Believe In?
I am on the board of a foundation that supports research into a rare illness that affects a close family member. Many friends and relatives donate to the foundation regularly. But some never do. They can easily afford to donate (based on the amount of traveling they do, for example). And when we interact with these people, they often ask about the health of our relative. It’s awkward and, frankly, upsetting, but we don’t know what else to do. Advice?
BOARD MEMBER
I understand your emotional response: A close relative is sick, and his or her illness is important to you. But don’t let those reasonable feelings cloud your judgment or allow you to become self-centered. Other people are entitled to be concerned with different charitable causes. No one is obliged to donate to your cause out of fealty to you, and it’s definitely not your place to police the charitable giving of others — based on leisure travel, no less.
I suggest you continue your work with the foundation and encourage those who run it to sponsor events to increase awareness of the rare illness, the foundation and its work. Invite anyone you like to attend — particularly those who may not have considered donating to the cause.
Before Checking Inventory, Take Stock
Two years ago, during my freshman year of high school, I lent my favorite book to my best friend. That summer, for reasons that were my fault and completely unavoidable, we stopped speaking to each other. When we see each other now, we are perfectly cordial. But he still has my book, and my book club has just chosen it as our next selection. My copy is a special edition, and I wrote many notes in the margins. Can I somehow get it back?
READER
Let me redirect you here. Apologizing for the hurt we cause is more important than material possessions — even special editions. And from the squishy language in your letter — my fault but unavoidable — it doesn’t sound as if you have taken responsibility for your behavior and apologized unambiguously to your friend. That’s where you should start: with a sincere apology. After that, whether your friend accepts your apology or doesn’t, feel free to ask for your book back — assuming he’s kept it for two years. People first, then things, OK?
It’s the Thanks That Counts
I was invited to a holiday party and brought a small gift for the hostess. A few weeks later, I received a thank-you note from her in the mail — but for the wrong gift, not the one that I had given. Should I correct this mistake?
PARTYGOER
I wouldn’t, unless your gift was exceptional in some way or clarifying the mix-up is important to you. From the sound of your letter, though, it seems as if you brought a token gift to thank the hostess for her hospitality — and for which she thanked you in return. Nicely handled on both sides! What difference does it make whether you gave her a scented candle or a bottle of red wine?
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to [email protected], Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.
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