This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Rachel Jones, cohost of the “Is It Normal” podcast. It has been edited for length and clarity.
I was recently introduced to Eloisa by a mutual friend who was certain we’d become fast friends.
That friend was right, because Eloisa and I clicked straight away. We shared similar interests — books and art — and had this chemistry that I can’t quite explain. I knew we’d be best friends.
As we began to get to know each other, both of us keen to “dig deep” and understand each other as fully as possible, we would often say things like, “To understand this part of me, you need some context.”
We started presentation nights
Although we would have liked to jump into each other’s histories, we were limited by time constraints.
I work full-time, volunteer, own a house, participate heavily in church activities, and have family and friends I’m already committed to. Eloisa has a husband and is a full-time student. We’re both very busy people, but we’re keen to connect on a deeper level because neither of us wants coffee-once-a-month friendships.
In your late teens and early 20s, forming friendships is relatively easy, as people often have less responsibility and more time. But the older you get, the harder it can be to form meaningful relationships — because there are only so many hours in a day. And yet, when you meet friends at an older age, there is so much more life to catch up on, just not the time to do it.
I’d seen on social media a trending way to get to know friends as adults — presentation evenings. Each person involved gives a short presentation about themselves, which may include both serious and humorous topics.
Typically, people create slideshows with lots of pictures to accompany whatever is being presented. I’d seen a huge range of topics: what’s my love language, favorite books, favorite memories, teenage years, and the list of ideas for these nights goes on and on.
Excited about the possibility, I asked Eloisa if she’d be up for it, and as I suspected, she couldn’t wait.
We started with our childhoods
For our first presentation night, we decided to kick off our monthly series by sharing stories about our childhoods.
Just the process of preparing my slideshow was precious. I went through dozens of photos of my family, reflecting on the significant changes I experienced as a child, and remembering how fortunate I was to grow up in such a close-knit family with my parents and three siblings.
We planned to present after dinner one evening, both allowing each other to share without interruption.
When I’m typically getting to know a friend just through conversation, both of us are lovingly interrupting each other, interjecting thoughts in response to what the other person has said. But in presenting, you’re quiet when it isn’t your turn, so the listener has a chance to fully absorb what the other person says.
I listened to Eloise speak about her childhood, and I immediately could piece together why she is the way she is because of her history.
When I presented, I methodically talked about my birthday, my parents, my siblings, and how I had lived in several houses in multiple countries.
It was a lighthearted theme, but even so, she now understands why stability is so important to me, and why I tend to crave acceptance from people. A lot of that is down to my childhood.
We are hoping to do these monthly
As a visual learner, I found the presentation night so helpful in remembering the people Eloise spoke about. So now, when she tells me about her sister, I can visualize her sister and recall Eloise’s relationship with her growing up. Facts about Eloise get ingrained in my memory because I’ve had photos and so much context.
I expect that as we hold these presentation nights more frequently — we’re hoping to do them monthly — we’ll get to know each other better, both on a serious and a silly level.
As we continue to be friends, carrying on with these presentations, we’ll understand each other’s triggers more and be able to respond better and give informed advice.
It’s the first time I’ve had presentation nights with a friend, but I suspect I’ll bring in other friends to join us on our evenings. I also think it would be a really helpful thing to do with a boyfriend or partner in the future.
The fact that Eloise wanted to have these presentation nights with me felt like a privilege, because it’s someone who wants to know me and invest in our friendship.
To be known and feel seen is one of the greatest desires we have a humans, and these presentations provide a way to do this in our busy, modern, adulting worlds.
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