Twenty years ago, I had an affair that ended my marriage. I feel immense shame and regret about my behavior back then (which I am trying to work through in therapy), and I am now dating someone whom I have not told about the affair. He knows I started seeing someone as my marriage was deteriorating, before the divorce was final, but I have not admitted the full truth. I can feel the weight of withholding this information, but I also do not want to admit to or discuss this terrible thing I did so long ago. Do I need to tell him? — Name Withheld
From the Ethicist:
Especially early in a relationship, a potential partner doesn’t have to be informed about every past wrong, even the serious ones. Nobody expects you to put your worst foot forward. Still, as a relationship deepens, the history of previous partnerships inevitably comes up. And once you’re talking about it, holding back important aspects of the story can set you down a path of dishonesty.
Given that you have already told him that you saw someone while your marriage was deteriorating, you’re now walking a fine line between discretion and deception. If you hide the parts of your history that shaped who you are today, even the parts you regret, you are denying him the full context of a major event in your life and asking him to be in a relationship with a curated version of yourself. This sort of prevarication, meanwhile, comes with maintenance charges: a constant awareness in the back of your mind of what you have and haven’t said.
It’s relevant that the affair isn’t a dimly recalled event but something you’re working through even now. Sharing that struggle could be a way to let your partner see who you are and what you take seriously today.
Readers Respond
The previous question was from a reader struggling with how to respond to anonymous allegations of abuse against a friend. She wrote:
I recently discovered an app where women anonymously discuss men to warn one another about predators and abusers. … Scrolling through, I encountered a discussion about a male friend of mine. A woman describing herself as his ex accused him of abuse and narcissism. When I asked for more information, she refused to share details, becoming defensive and claiming he would retaliate. Eventually, she told me an inconsistent story. That said, I know how common inconsistencies are when it comes to trauma. I always err on the side of believing women (what would any of us gain from making false reports?), and I know that abusers can seem like “nice guys.” I would feel terrible dismissing a woman’s story of abuse, but I am conflicted about ending friendships based on an anonymous app. … So how would you navigate this situation, and what are the broader ethical implications of this app? — Name Withheld
In his response, the Ethicist noted:
Your quandary reflects the pros and cons of these anonymous venues. There’s a reason they exist; men have long mistreated women with impunity. When people have shown themselves capable of causing serious harm, sharing that information with those who might be vulnerable to similar treatment serves a protective function. But the same feature that makes contributors feel safe, anonymity, is also one that invites abuse. … That doesn’t mean that anonymous warnings are usually mistaken or that people who report abuse are generally unreliable. A difficulty is that even a sincere account can be hard for an outsider to evaluate, especially when it consists mainly of diagnostic labels rather than descriptions of events. … None of this means the woman wasn’t genuinely mistreated. But there’s a world of difference between being willing to listen seriously to a stranger’s accusation against a friend and accepting it as a definitive verdict, especially when the story shifts and she declines to respond to your requests for further information. … You shouldn’t betray her confidence. … But you shouldn’t feel that you have to give up on a friend on the basis of the evidence you now have.
(Reread the full question and answer here.)
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Many abusers make wonderful friends, colleagues and sons and perform the role of loving partner perfectly in public. It is only in private, where no one else sees, that the cruelty shows up. This is why anonymous warning apps appeal. Women who speak openly about abuse often face disbelief and stigma and are labeled vengeful or unstable, while the man involved frequently retains his reputation and is recast as the victim of a “crazy ex.” For many, these apps provide the only realistic way to alert others and reduce harm. — Rita
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I agree that a definite benefit of these apps is the opportunity for caring women to protect other women from abusive men, and that can be lifesaving. In rare cases, however, some people may post more from a place of revenge than from an act of service. In those cases, it’s important for men to know that information about them exists on the app. I know there is no way of telling which of these reasons is behind a stranger’s post, but I’m not sure what confidence would be broken if the letter writer tells her friend she saw an anonymous posting about him on the app without going into details of the story. I think that in friendships it’s important to give somebody a reason for why you are choosing to go no-contact, rather than just ignoring texts. If the letter writer does decide to continue the friendship, it doesn’t seem as though it would be a very authentic one if she kept this information secret. — Stacey
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The Ethicist sensibly points out that there are problems as well as advantages to these kinds of anonymous posts. But the larger problem is that in every relationship, we must make subtle judgments of our own about the people we allow into our lives. While it may be dangerous to dismiss warnings from others, it may also unduly constrict our worlds to give them too much weight. It is not impossible to love flawed people without doing harm to ourselves. — Nick
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I agree with the Ethicist’s response, but add one point: The writer should have reached her decision without contacting the accuser. The accuser could now be understandably fearful of retaliation, assuming that the writer will inform the accused. I’m not saying that the anonymous accuser needs to be believed no matter what; as the Ethicist pointed out, the nature of an anonymous site introduces a reliability gap. But asking her about it gives no resolution and betrays the inferred intimacy of the site. The letter writer’s skepticism gains no clarity from the inquiry. — Brad
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I would say that these forums invite abuse. The claim that women have nothing to gain from making a false accusation does not apply to anonymous reports, where they have nothing to lose. But women, like men, are subject to vindictiveness and similar motives, so they could have something to gain. Throwing your friend to the side when you have no direct evidence of what an anonymous accuser says is, in my view, very unethical. Instead, you should ask your friend for his side of this story and/or wait until you see corroborating evidence. — Walter
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