My grandchildren are in or nearing their teenage years. Two are from my son and his wife, and two are from my daughter and her husband. Of course, all children love and, to some extent, expect birthday and Christmas gifts. My daughter-in-law and her children continue a tradition of giving me handmade greeting cards every Christmas. They also always send me handwritten thank-you cards for the gifts I send. However, I receive no gifts from my other grandchildren, both boys, and never thank-you cards.
I mentioned this to my daughter, their mother, but there was no response. I suggested that each might give me a card promising 30 minutes of picking up sticks in my yard. I know that gifts should come from the heart with no sense of reciprocity, but the current situation bothers me. There seems to be a lack of moral character being demonstrated, as well as poor ethics and manners.
What do you think?
From the Therapist: You’ve framed your grandsons’ behavior as a case of bad manners or moral failure, but I hear a yearning underneath. No matter how much we tell ourselves that gifts aren’t about reciprocity, the reality is that they often hold emotional significance in which both parties are essentially asking to be recognized. The giver wants acknowledgment of their thoughtfulness and investment, while the receiver wants confirmation that they’ve been truly seen. Both are essentially asking, “Do I matter?”
When we don’t feel seen or appreciated, hurt feelings can disguise themselves as something else, like concern about good character or proper etiquette, because it’s easier to push pain outward than to say, “I feel unimportant to you.” But remember that children take cues from their parents, and I have a feeling that this lack of acknowledgment has more to do with your daughter than with her sons.
For instance, you mentioned that you got no response from her when you brought this up. But instead of telling her what her children should do for you, I’d be curious about why she doesn’t facilitate gift-giving or thank-you-note-writing. I say “she” because most teens don’t do this without some parental prodding, and I imagine that your daughter has her own feelings about your relationship that are being played out in the gifting dynamic.
Maybe gifting between you and her family feels empty or performative, when what she really wants is a different or more meaningful relationship with you. It could be that she perceives you as critical of both her and her sons, demanding of something that she doesn’t feel she or they owe you. She might also find your suggestion that the boys pick up sticks for you as a bit thoughtless: Would it make you happy to ask her children to do something that would feel more like a burdensome chore than something they would actually enjoy giving you?
Meanwhile, you say that your “daughter-in-law and her children” give you cards and write thank-you notes, but I noticed you don’t mention your son. It’s nice that your daughter-in-law has created traditions for her kids around gifting, but this doesn’t mean that her children have stronger characters than your daughter’s children do. It just means that the person your son married facilitates gifting and thanking — and that your son and your daughter don’t.
So what might help? First, separate your hurt feelings from judgments about character. You can feel unappreciated without that meaning that these boys are being raised poorly — or that this is primarily about them. Second, consider what you actually want. Do you want thank-you notes, or do you want to feel more connected to and valued by this branch of the family? If it’s the former, you could issue an ultimatum (no thank-you notes equals no gifts), but I don’t think forced statements of gratitude are what you really want. If you want genuine connection and appreciation, you can start by approaching your daughter with curiosity instead of complaints.
You might say, “I know I mentioned the gifts and thank-you notes before, but I realized that what I really want is to have a stronger relationship with you and your family. What can I do to make that happen?”
Maybe it will be about making your daughter and her boys feel appreciated so that their desire to show appreciation for you feels more genuine. This might involve more investment in their interests, a greater presence at their activities or more frequent conversations about their lives year-round, rather than just seasonal gifts with expectations attached.
Reciprocity in relationships isn’t about equal exchanges — it’s about people feeling seen and valued. Do you feel that way with your daughter? Does she feel that way with you? Her boys are learning about relationships by watching the adults around them. It’s not that good manners don’t matter; it’s that they come more naturally when the connection is strong.
Want to Ask the Therapist? If you have a question, email [email protected]. By submitting a query, you agree to our reader submission terms. This column is not a substitute for professional medical advice.
Lori Gottlieb is a psychotherapist and the author of the best-selling book “Maybe You Should Talk to Someone.” She offers readers advice on life’s tough questions in the “Ask the Therapist” column.
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