Most couples — even the unicorns among us who claim they “never fight” — need regular relationship maintenance. And the effort comes with major payoffs: Strong romantic partnerships are good for your mental and even physical health.
As reporters who write about relationships, we spend our days talking to sex researchers, couples counselors and psychotherapists about how to maintain and strengthen your connections.
Here is some of the most inspiring advice we’ve heard this year.
After an argument, try having a ‘closing conversation.’
During the cool-down period after a fight, some therapists recommend what’s called a “closing conversation,” in which you and your partner discuss how the conflict affected you and brainstorm ways to avoid it in the future.
Galena Rhoades, a psychologist at the University of Denver and a co-author of “Fighting for Your Marriage,” recommends using the speaker-listener technique: One person speaks, and then the other paraphrases what was said. Take turns, she said, use short sentences, and don’t interrupt each other.
Then, if your partner seems receptive, offer a small sign of affection, whether it’s a gentle joke or a physical gesture like a shoulder squeeze.
Set boundaries to make your partnership stronger.
Establishing healthy boundaries is important, but experts say the term is often misunderstood.
When psychologists encourage this practice, they don’t mean controlling other people with ultimatums or insulating yourself from relationship problems. Instead, setting a boundary involves regulating your behavior with rules that you set for yourself.
For instance, asking a teen to stop speaking to you disrespectfully isn’t a boundary — it’s a request. But saying “I want to have a conversation with you, but I will not continue to talk with someone who is berating me” is an example of setting a limit.
When we set personal boundaries, we are drawing a line between our needs and those of other people. That helps us maintain healthy relationships, said Catherine A. Sanderson, a professor of psychology at Amherst College.
Ignoring those needs can cause us to “explode” emotionally, Dr. Sanderson said. And that’s because we didn’t reflect on what we needed in the relationship, she added.
If a partner gives you ‘the ick,’ put it in context.
“The ick” is a sudden aversion, usually prompted by someone’s behavior, appearance or personality trait. You can experience it while dating, but it occurs in long-term relationships, too.
When we’re turned off by something, it isn’t an automatic sign that “there’s something wrong with us or wrong with the other person,” said Kesia Constantine, an adjunct clinical supervisor in applied psychology at New York University.
So if an “ick” crops up in an otherwise healthy relationship, consider whether you can build a tolerance for it, she said. If a person puts ketchup on their eggs, for instance, you can avert your eyes, she suggested.
And as awkward as it may be, consider talking to the person about your reaction, said Isabelle Morley, a clinical psychologist and author of “They’re Not Gaslighting You.” Because, she added, “that’s a lot of what relationships require — communication and flexibility and adjustments.”
Embrace the power of a script.
It might feel corny, but having a few phrases in your back pocket can help foster better communication with your partner, especially when you’re feeling particularly stressed or feisty.
“You start” are two powerful words that couples can say to each other, said James Cordova, a professor of psychology at Clark University and author of “The Mindful Path to Intimacy.” When couples fight, they are often struggling to be heard at exactly the same moment, he said — like two fire hoses pointed at each other.
Another banger? “Let me try that again.” Laurie Santos, a psychology professor at Yale and host of “The Happiness Lab” podcast, suggests using the phrase — and does so herself — when things come out too harsh.
It’s not that happy couples never fight, she added; it’s that they tend to be good at repair. “Let me try that again” is an easy, effective restart.
Tell your partner what you really want.
Obvious? Sure. But Terry Real, a couples therapist and author of “Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship,” said the No. 1 mistake couples make when fighting is failing to clearly articulate what they want. Instead, they tend to complain about the same things over and over, which can drive partners apart.
Don’t confuse asking and whining, Mr. Real warned.
For instance, complaining about how distant your partner is won’t evoke a generous response, he said, because nagging isn’t a vulnerable act. Having the courage to say what you genuinely want is, he said. You’re much more likely to get a compassionate response if you say something like, “I would really like to find more ways to simply hang out together.”
Never stop playing.
When you have been with your partner for years, it’s easy to get bogged down in all of the logistics: paying bills, shuttling kids around, taking care of aging parents — the list goes on.
Playfulness can be difficult to muster. But laughter is so important, especially when couples are feeling rundown or overwhelmed, said Stephen Mitchell, a psychotherapist in Denver and a co-author of “Too Tired to Fight.”
“People underestimate the power of humor in terms of helping couples feel connected and helping them work through challenging moments,” he said. The happiest couples he knows tend to be the ones who find ways to have fun together.
If the organic playfulness that marked your early days feels out of reach, that’s OK. Look for small ways to inject your partnership with a dash of humor. Send a silly text. Turn an everyday task, like a trip to the grocery store, into a game. (Whoever checks all of the items off their list first wins!)
Jancee Dunn, who writes the weekly Well newsletter for The Times, has covered health and science for more than 20 years.
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