In the early stages of dating my now-wife, our phone calls were epic as we got to know each other. We’d talk as Cindy drove an hour to work and an hour back home. As a business owner, I had plenty of time for these long conversations.
After two years of getting to know each other, we met in person for the first time, and there was an instant spark neither of us could explain. We spent a day together in Florida, and as I was leaving to head back to Wisconsin, we kissed. We decided to date after that, but we were still in a long-distance relationship. The distance meant even more marathon talking sessions.
I didn’t realize at the time how much of an issue this would become in our eight-year marriage.
In the dating stages, I didn’t think much about how much we talked
We were getting to know each other. That, and we were in separate parts of the country, so there were in-person conversations in the midst of daily life, which, for me, is more of an energy drain.
As our relationship grew, we had more visits and in-person conversations. We spent more time together, and I started to notice how all the talking, especially when I had to work, was affecting me.
We got married, and I moved to Florida. We were finally together full-time in a “normal” relationship. It was then that I started to discover something that only proximity could reveal: My wife is a talkaholic (she’ll admit this if you ask); she loves to talk and tell long stories. My wife is extroverted and needs human connection, talking, and lots of socialization.
The proximity and numerous in-person conversations revealed that I’m introverted and thrive when I’m not speaking. I love quiet and require a lot of it.
Being married and spending all our time together, after years in a long-distance relationship, made me realize that I prefer to speak as little as humanly possible, dislike long conversations and stories, and need a lot of alone time.
I found myself growing increasingly irritated with all the talking
Bitterness built up with each conversation and event we attended. What started as an annoyance turned into arguments.
Years of therapy have taught me that I can’t let bitterness build up too long and that communication is important. I realized we were not on a good path in our relationship, and something drastic needed to change.
We had a series of brutally honest conversations that involved more than a few tears. My wife and I discussed what we need from our relationship in terms of attention, communication, and socialization.
We agreed on a simple rule that works for us as an introvert and an extrovert in a relationship.
I get quiet time alone at least once a month
What this looks like is me going to a hotel for a weekend or visiting my adult kids who still live in Wisconsin, while my wife visits her friends in South Florida.
I also agreed to set aside focused and dedicated time (when I have the bandwidth) to let my wife verbally process everything she needs to get out of her head. I give her “talking time” in an intentional way.
The understanding we came to means I regularly get the alone time I need. The alone time also allows us to miss each other and operate in ways that work best for our personalities.
My getting the alone time I need has strengthened our marriage.
The frequent ‘alone time’ rule has worked in our marriage for years
We’ve had the opportunity to test the rule even more after we moved from the US to Thailand permanently.
We are now in a situation where there’s no family close by, the friends we hung out with in the US aren’t here, and we’re not getting frequent visits from our adult kids. We are all we have in a foreign country, which is harder for my wife.
In our first few months here, I wanted to give my wife what she needed: extra attention and time together, talking it up about anything and everything.
As we’ve started to settle in, I’ve been coworking at Starbucks throughout Bangkok, taking long walks alone, and having plenty of solo foot massages. I also built out a detached office, where I spend a lot of time alone.
My wife has also made friends and attended local women’s networking events; she’s getting the socialization and talking time she needs. She’s building her community, and they seem to enjoy talking in the same way she does.
We’re both getting what we need to keep our mental health and relationship healthy.
Most importantly, I’ve learned that it’s OK to prioritize what I need, and that I don’t always have to put the needs of my loved ones before my own. I can put myself first without everything falling apart.
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