Relationship advice is everywhere — much of it simplistic, contradictory or disconnected from how partners actually function. After more than four decades as a couples therapist, I’ve found that lasting improvement rarely comes from grand gestures or clever techniques. It comes from a small set of habits that change how partners talk, listen and take responsibility when things get hard.
Here are some of the best ways to communicate with your partner — based on my own experience and the scientific research — to help you improve your relationship over time:
1. Start with a positive comment.
Conversations tend to end the way they begin. Starting with something positive about the other person increases the likelihood of a constructive outcome and signals that your goal is to improve the relationship — not to shame or criticize.
2. Pick the right time to talk.
Just because you’ve worked up the nerve to raise an issue doesn’t mean now is the best moment. Let your partner know you would like to work on something together and ask if this is a good time. If they say no, ask when that would be — within the next week. Unless there’s a genuine crisis, don’t accept indefinite postponement.
3. Calibrate the intensity of your complaint.
Rating your concern on a scale from 1 to 10 can help your partner hear you. A “1” says, “This isn’t a big deal, but I’d like us to address it.” A “10” communicates, “If this doesn’t change, I’m not sure I can stay in the relationship.” Giving your partner some context may help reduce their fear and ultimately defensiveness. It can also alert them that they may need to pay much closer attention than they have been in the past.
4. Talk about their behavior, not character.
Instead of saying, “You’re lazy, selfish, mean,” talk about how their behavior affects you. Say: “When you say you’ll be home by 7 and don’t show up till 8:30, and you don’t call to let me know, I feel hurt, resentful, taken for granted,” instead of, “You’re so self-centered and cruel that you didn’t even have the decency to let me know you’d be late!” The former is more effective because it centers the behavior on your reaction and not the other’s character traits.
5. Be direct about what you want or need.
If your partner asks what you would like for a birthday or holiday, don’t turn it into a test of their love. If you want roses instead of tulips, or a tool chest instead of a massage, say so. When they follow through, treat it as evidence of care — not a failure of their paying attention.
6. Become more assertive and set limits around hurtful behavior.
Healthy relationships require the ability to stand up for yourself without becoming aggressive. If assertiveness doesn’t come naturally, therapy, skills training or targeted reading can help.
7. Learn to take timeouts when emotions run high.
Once conversations become flooded with emotion, productive communication shuts down. Taking a short break — with a clear agreement to return to the issue — can prevent arguments from becoming destructive. Whoever calls the timeout has to reinitiate the conversation within 24 hours. Use the timeout to calm down and figure out what the other person was trying to communicate, not to consider how you’ll prove them wrong when you reengage.
8. Practice active listening.
Feeling understood often matters more than being agreed with. Take turns talking about your perspective for no more than two minutes each. When you’re speaking, be careful in your language, and when it’s their turn, don’t interrupt or talk over them. When you’re listening, try to focus on understanding your partner, not defending yourself. Take a minute to repeat back what you heard to make sure you understood them correctly before giving your perspective.
9. Don’t avoid conflict so completely that resentment builds.
Keeping the peace by staying silent may feel safer in the moment, but over time it creates emotional distance and bitterness. Separations and divorces occur more commonly as a result of deaths by a thousand cuts rather than a huge, one-time blow-up.
10. Don’t expect one person to meet all of your needs.
Strong relationships are supported by friendships, interests and sources of meaning outside the partnership. Overreliance on a romantic partner for all of your emotional or social needs creates pressure no one can sustain.
11. Talk to your partner the way you did when you were dating.
Many couples stop investing the time, attention and affection that once came naturally. Courtesy, curiosity and warmth shouldn’t disappear with familiarity.
12. Catch your partner doing something right.
People are far more motivated by appreciation than criticism. Rather than comment on when they mess up, compliment them when they get it right. Marital researcher John Gottman discovered that in successful couple relationships, there are five positive interactions for every negative one.
13. Take more responsibility for the dynamics you help create.
Conflict persists through feedback loops. Before insisting that you’re not being heard, consider how well you’re listening. Ask yourself how you may unintentionally bring out the worst in your partner. Responsibility isn’t self-blame — it’s seeing how you react in ways that increase the distance rather than the closeness.
14. Don’t wait for your partner to change before you show up differently.
Many people put their own maturity on hold, waiting for the other to become more communicative, less defensive or more self-aware. But how you show up should reflect your values, not your partner’s limitations. Even if they struggle to communicate well, you don’t have to mirror their avoidance, silence or reactivity.
15. Don’t wait too long to get help.
Many relationships that feel hopeless can improve with the right couples therapist. Waiting until resentment hardens makes repair harder.
Most relationships don’t fail for lack of love; they fail from small, repeated moments of misunderstanding, defensiveness and a failure to appreciate what the other is doing right. Paying attention to how you handle those moments — especially when things are hard — is often the difference between growing apart and finding your way back to each other.
You can’t force your partner to grow, but you can decide how you speak, listen and take responsibility. Those choices shape not only the relationship’s future, but your own happiness and resilience.
Joshua Coleman, PhD, is a clinical psychologist in the Bay Area, keynote speaker, author, and senior fellow with the Council on Contemporary Families. His newest book is “Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict.” His Substack is Family Troubles.
If you have a question for a therapist about mental health, relationships, sleep, dating or any other topic, email it to [email protected], and we may feature it in a future column.
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