Despite this being a year when everything about the executive branch has been so horrible and destructive, Christmastime instills a vibe of generosity that can’t be ignored. Even those idiots in or adjacent to the Trump administration deserve something besides our contempt. It is in this spirit of giving that I present below my own list of holiday gifts for those who have been running things — at least in theory.
Donald Trump — President
A laminated list of grudges ranked by intensity of hatred.
(Color-coded for donors, prosecutors, and cable news hosts who didn’t clap hard enough or with the proper zeal.)
Melania Trump — First Lady
An illustrated coffee table collection, “Beautiful Stone Garden Forests of North America.”
(Features a foreword by Tucker Carlson praising the beauty of the freshly paved White House “Roads Garden.”)
JD Vance — Vice President
A fully reversible ideology jacket.
(Populist on the outside, venture capitalist lining on the inside. Machine-washable morals. Ethical stain resistant.)
Susie Wiles — Chief of Staff
A fire extinguisher labeled, “In Case of Vanity Fire, er, Fair, Deny, Deny, Deny.”
(Rated for journalistic/social media emergencies and sudden vendettas.)
Stephen Miller — Deputy Chief of Staff
A red pen that edits in only one direction.
(Deletes words like “asylum,” “context,” “compassionate,” and “human.”)
Karoline Leavitt — Press Secretary
A spin-doctor’s medical supply bag for holding a Make America Gucci Again hat, Trump 2028 pin, a punching bag emblazoned with “Don’t Even Go There,” a deck of liar’s poker cards, and a Trump language decoder ring.
(In camouflage colors, the outside is stitched with, “A Bag for the Scumbags.“)
Pete Hegseth — ‘Secretary of War’
A giant foam finger that points to his right and reads, “It’s His Fault.”
(Also, a bonus flask engraved with, “I Need Proof – 80 Proof.”)
Robert F. Kennedy Jr. — Secretary of Health
An anti-vax bingo set with squares including “DO YOUR OWN RESEARCH,” “THEY DON’T WANT YOU TO KNOW,” “NATURAL IMMUNITY,” “CENSORED FOR SPEAKING TRUTH,” “THE SCIENCE ISN’T SETTLED,” “MY COUSIN HAD A BAD REACTION,” “ONE DOCTOR IN A LAB COAT SAID,” and “MAINSTREAM MEDIA WON’T COVER THIS.”
(Also, the center square is a free space that reads, “I’M JUST ASKING QUESTIONS.”)
Pam Bondi — Attorney General
A Department of Justice mission statement written in invisible ink.
(Technically, it’s still there. Practically, it’s gone.)
Todd Blanche — Deputy Attorney General
A personalized gold desk nameplate that reads, “Whatever Happens Here is Obviously Joe Biden’s Fault.”
(Also a fog machine that deploys mid-sentence.)
Kash Patel — FBI Director
A poster-size enemies list with dry-erase capability
(For updating threats in real time, contingent on cable news bookings.)
All Trump’s Friends in the Epstein Files
A customized collection that includes T-shirts reading, “I Was Just Networking,” “No Comment,” “(Redacted),” and “I Don’t Recall”; a travel neck pillow that says, “I Deny the Premise of the Question”; a monogrammed private jet logbook designed for shredding; and a 900-page hardcover memoir entitled I Barely Knew Him, explaining how you repeatedly crossed paths with the same man on multiple continents entirely by accident.
Jared Kushner — Son-In-Law/Unofficial Advisor
A giant “I (Heart) Saudi Arabia” money clip.
(Must be large enough to hold $2 billion in cash.)
Elon Musk — Former Head of DOGE
A new federal agency to destroy.
(It will be frequently renamed and woefully understaffed, and its failure will be blamed on “woke bureaucrats” within weeks.)
Mike Johnson — Speaker of the House
A pocket Bible with footnotes written by Fox News producers.
(Features selective verses highlighted for those moments when he’s briefly cornered by harassing journalists.)
Kristi Noem — Secretary of Homeland Security
A cosplay badge labeled, “Tough on Crime.”
(Pairs nicely with a press conference backdrop of razor wire.)
Tom Homan — Border Czar
A wall calendar that’s just one never-ending emergency.
(Every day is labeled “NATIONAL CRISIS!” CAVA bag full of cash optional.)
Russell Vought — Budget Director
A do-it-yourself government shutdown kit.
(Includes talking points, blame assignments, and a prewritten op-ed about “discipline.”)
Steve Bannon — Ideological Influencer
A podcast microphone that only records grievances.
(Background noise is permanently set to “apocalypse.”)
Alina Habba — Attack Lawyer
A courtroom microphone with a mute button she can’t find.
(She still insists the trial is going extremely well.)
Rudy Giuliani — Disgraced Personal Lawyer
A new purpose, campaigning in support of renaming the country, “The Donald J. Trump United States.”
(The first press conference is set for Four Seasons Total Landscaping, naturally.)
And a few administration-themed stocking stuffers for the entire group …
- Burner Phones
- Do-It-Yourself Non-Disclosure Agreements
- Alternative Facts Notepads
- Fake Nobel Peace Prize Medallions
- Gold-Plated Phone Chargers
- Fact-Checker Evader Glasses
- Nuclear Button Belt Buckles
- Matching Loyalty Oaths Written on Dissolving Paper
Thank you for your attention to this matter.
- Ray Richmond is a longtime journalist/author and an adjunct professor at Chapman University in Orange, CA.
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