Have you texted your grandchild lately? If not, this is your sign to start a new habit and meet your grandkids where they likely already live: In text messages.
The holidays are a time when many grandparents who live far from their grandchildren get some much needed one-on-one time. It’s a great opportunity to get to know the latest version of them, but for many families, maintaining those bonds the rest of the year can be difficult, especially when distance is an issue or as kids grow into young adults and form more relationships outside the family.
Texting can be an easy way to fill in the gaps and keep a connection going when they’re old enough, say family and child experts. Here’s our advice after speaking to teens and tweens about what they like, and the texting quirk that makes them think you don’t care.
Start with in-person, or video, connections
Spend real time getting to know your grandkids before switching up the technology, especially when they’re young. If you can’t be there in person, use video chats where they can see your face and expression. Learn what they like, their personality quirks and their obsessions, even if you know they’ll change quickly.
“The grounding is in knowing who your grandchild is and in being absolutely madly in love with them and being willing to listen to who they are,” says pediatrician Ken Ginsburg, founder of the Center for Parent and Teen Communication at Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia. “Once you have that foundation, you don’t actually have to be face-to-face. For the younger generation, they talk through their fingertips. And when we are able to speak that language, a lot more comes across than we think.”
Follow ground rules and respect boundaries
If a child doesn’t have access to texting, stick to scheduled phone and video calls and in-person access until they do. Their parent is in charge of determining when various technology is allowed, so don’t try to circumvent them by gifting iPads or other devices without explicit permission.
Once the grandkids have access to their own device, like a tablet, ask their parents if it would be okay to text and what apps they use. For example, Meta’s Messenger Kids is a popular option for young kids and allows easy monitoring. Ask their parents if they have any rules they’d like you to follow, like topics to avoid or times of day they don’t want them getting messages.
Understand your important role as grandparent
Knowing what grandkids need from you and how your presence can shape them will influence how you communicate. In addition to love and safety, their parents are in charge of discipline or making sure they’re doing well in school. A grandparent can have a different connection with fewer of those pressures.
“You want kids to have some barrier-free relationships. Judgment, anger, and disappointment are all barriers to engagement,” says Ginsburg, author of “Lighthouse Parenting: Raising Your Child With Loving Guidance for a Lifelong Bond.” “A beautiful role that grandparents can have is to just go with the flow, reach out, but remain present because young people reach out when they need you the most.”
Make sure you don’t lose contact as grandchildren age. While teens may be busier, your presence in their life is just as key. Teenagers are programmed to pull away from their parents, says Ginsburg, but not their grandparents. They need layers of adults around them who are involved in their lives and can provide security.
Do more than ask about their day
The usual small talk can peter out quickly in chat, especially if you only ask about things like how school is going. Instead, try letting your grandkids lead the way and ask about things you know they like. If you’re starting from zero, let them tell you or ask their parents.
One trick is to avoid yes or no questions, says Liz Morrison, a clinical social worker whose practice focuses largely on kids, teens and young adults. Instead, try more open-ended inquiries about things they enjoy, which will leave room for deeper answers. Try to have some information in your back pocket you can bring up, like a performance or their friend group.
You can also seek out shared interests you can chat about over time, like a current TV show. Some grandparents even pick up a few online games to bond over, whether it’s Wordle, Minecraft or silly games built into the messaging apps themselves.
When grandkids do open up with you, focus on genuinely listening and being empathetic, says Emily Weinstein, co-founder of the Center for Digital Thriving at the Harvard Graduate School of Education. Try not to give advice unless they’ve asked for it, don’t judge or scold them. Instead, thank them for sharing and ask follow-up questions.
Try a group chat
Depending on the age, one-on-one chats can be a bit awkward or stilted. If you want to have less pressure on you both, strike up a group chat. Some families have running group chats of all the core members where they share life updates, photos and plans. You could try one for multiple grandkids or grandparents, or just loop in their parents. This takes some pressure off the child to respond in a certain way and lets them dip in and out without worrying they’re being rude. There’s no rule on how many group chats you can have running at once, and it doesn’t rule out direct messages when the mood strikes.
Don’t fear the tech, or the lingo
You don’t have to start sharing memes — kids we spoke to said that would be cringe anyway — or using their vernacular to connect. Instead, focus on the more universal emotions and experiences behind them.
“The feelings and motivations — wanting to belong, express yourself, feel included, or just have fun — are often very familiar,” says Weinstein.
Letting them teach you about the latest trends is an easy conversation topic. It lets them lead the way and feel like they have something valuable to contribute. So go ahead and ask why they keep saying “67.” Ask if they have any tech pet peeves. One teen told us they don’t like it when adults reply to a text with just an emoji, because it makes them feel like they don’t care and want to end the conversation.
Keep in mind that young texters are still learning conversational skills and might have some habits you find perplexing or annoying. For example, they may “spam” you, sending the same message multiple times in a row. Or they’ll go retro and paste the text equivalent of a chain letter. By reacting more to genuine messages, you’ll be helping them learn what works in a conversation.
Share more than words
Texting is more than just, well, text. It can also mean sending links to social media posts back and forth (make sure you know what sites they’re allowed to be on first). They may enjoy sending or receiving voice notes, which allows for more off-the-cuff chatting but without the coordinated timing of a phone call. Swapping videos and photos of your own lives is also a great conversation starter or way to just say “hi.” If you really want to be besties, you can send money in some text apps.
Leave family drama out of it
Have a complicated relationship with your own adult children? Don’t put a child or teenager in the middle of any issues you’re having, experts say. They are not a place to pass on messages, get information, or treat as an extension of their parents. Make sure you have your own separate relationship, and let it be a safe space for them.
“Our job as adults is to co-regulate with adolescents and children in our lives, meaning we are the calm and stable forces. So, when we get angry, or feel slighted, and communicate our disappointment, that does not draw children to us,” says Ginsburg. “So be forgiving, be flexible, and remain present and available on their timeline, even if it doesn’t match yours.”
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