“Mom, I have to go to the bathroom right now,” my 8-year-old son frantically informed me from the backseat.
We were stuck in the middle of a crowded Starbucks drive-thru after school one day, and his 3-year-old brother was asleep in his car seat. So, desperately, I offered a solution: “Alright, you can go inside by yourself, and I’ll meet you at the front patio.”
His 6-year-old brother immediately volunteered to go with him — “I have to go, too!” — so I unlocked the door and watched them as they crossed in front of my car and disappeared around the corner to find the public restrooms. It was the first time I’d ever let them do something like that on their own, and I was surprised at how nervous it made me feel. Surely, our parents in the 90s let us run around playgrounds, libraries, and other places by ourselves, so why was I so worried about letting them do this simple thing? Because they could get hit by a car or kidnapped or make a nuisance, my anxious brain not-so-helpfully reminded me.
It turns out, I didn’t need to worry at all. By the time I made it to the front of the store to pick them up, they were beaming with their accomplishment. It made me realize it was time to start creating small moments of independence for my eldest son (and his younger brothers when appropriate).
Parents are anxious, and it’s hurting our kids
Social psychologist and author of ” The Anxious Generation,” Jonathan Haidt, conducted a study with the Harris Poll, alongside co-authors Lenore Skenazy and Zach Rausch, which surveyed more than 500 children ages 8 to 12 in the U.S. The results, published in The Atlantic, found that despite many children having access to online worlds like Roblox (about 75% regularly play the game), fewer than half of the 8- and 9-year-olds studied have ever gone down a grocery-store aisle by themselves.
Reading this stuck with me. At first, I thought I couldn’t believe the metaphorical leash these kids are on. They’re parents aren’t letting them go even one aisle down? But then I realized that even though my kids are confident walking around stores, I usually don’t let them out of my sight anywhere else.
“Without real-world freedom, children don’t get the chance to develop competence, confidence, and the ability to solve everyday problems,” the authors said about the survey results.
And without giving kids the skills to practice, it won’t become natural. Haidt encourages parents to start giving kids more independence beginning at age 8, and I immediately decided to try it with my son.
I pushed myself to let him go further
We started this experiment at Target, where I typically didn’t mind my kids looking at the video games or toys while I browsed the nearby book section.
This time, I wanted to take it one step further, so I asked my 8-year-old to go a few aisles down to grab a loaf of bread while I picked up some yogurt and cheese. He left and came back in less than a minute, proud of his find — and much happier having a task to focus on than just following me down each aisle, complaining of boredom. I loved it, and the trip didn’t take nearly as long.
Another time, my 6-year-old needed to use the restroom, and his older brother offered to take him on his own — at the front of the store. After a few minutes, I got nervous with many thoughts running through my mind. What if they lost me because I wasn’t on the same aisle as when they left? What if they couldn’t find the bathroom and they were wandering around scared? Am I a terrible mother for letting them do this?
I ended up leaving mid-aisle to speedwalk to the restrooms, where I found them exactly where they said they would be, with one in the bathroom and the other patiently waiting on the bench outside the door. I felt something in my own brain click into place: my eldest son knows what to do, he is responsible enough to do it, and he loves that I trust him to go off on his own.
I just had to get over myself long enough to let him.
The look on his face is something I’ll never forget
“So, what do I say, again?” my son asked. We had just pulled up outside our favorite pizza joint, and he was going inside to pick up our order.
“Say, ‘I’m picking up an order for Sydni Ellis,'” I repeated. He jumped out of the van to grab our pizza, but first, he whispered his line a few times like an actor in a play (or like an anxious kid learning how to be brave). It was emotional watching him pace in front of the restaurant for a few seconds, building up the courage to go in and talk to an employee. I didn’t intervene, and when he was ready, he went in by himself.
When he opened the van door with pizza in hand, he was beaming. His face was glowing with the brightest smile of happiness, accomplishment, and relief I had ever seen, and it was seared into my memory.
This is why independence is important. He did it. He built up confidence, tackled tasks he wouldn’t have been responsible enough to do when he was younger, and felt like the smart, capable kid I know he is. By encouraging him to do things on his own, I’m helping set him up for the future and giving him a priceless feeling of autonomy.
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