It’s the end of fiscal year 2025, that magical time of year when all the human resources elves descend from their C-suite offices to assess workplace successes and failures. (It’s never easy to categorize throwing millions of Americans off their healthcare plans, after all.) What does that look like at the Trump White House? And, scene:
Hi everybody, come on in. Take a seat wherever, but please don’t lean against that gold leaf on the walls—the spray paint rubs off. I know how busy you all are, so I’ll try to make this as quick and painless as possible.
Kash, if you could stop tweeting for a sec? Thanks.
Ok, so. The president has asked me to come over from HR to give everybody their year-end performance review… Stephen? Stephen, I see you’re pulling wings off a fly, so I’m not sure you’re listening. You say you don’t have to because you’re the president’s special boy? I understand, but I really do need to get this done. If you could just put down the fly… or you could swallow it, I suppose. Great.
Well. As you all know, it’s been a very busy year, and I know the president is very grateful for all the hours you’ve put in. Kristi alone has done more photo ops in more outfits than all of her Homeland Security predecessors combined, and we commend her efforts. The nation is safer—from the threat posed by, um, goats?—because of your pouty little scowl.
And Tom, thanks for joining us. I see you couldn’t be any further away from Kristi, but that’s OK. Everybody, Tom is taking time away from deporting pregnant women to be with us this morning, and we all appreciate it. Thanks. The president loves what you’re doing on the immigration front, but he has noticed that Taco Bell is introducing a new “cantina fajita bowl.” Sounds a little ethnic? Could do something about that? Here. Take this bagful of money and go deport some veterans!
Is Marco here? Oh, there you are. Sorry, I didn’t see you. Sometimes it’s hard to tell whether that suit is actually empty or not. Great job this year, Marco. You’ve demonstrated no initiative or principles, and the president really appreciates it. From allowing Elon Musk to destroy USAID to appeasing Putin at every turn, you’ve shown exactly why you were the right man to be our Secretary of State. How about a round of applause for Marco, everybody! Great job. Please clap.
Bobby, you’re looking a little twitchy there, so I’ll do your review next. Just looking at the numbers here and I have to say, these are just spectacular. Measles: up. Mumps, up. Whooping cough, up. Wow. And the president wanted me to let you know personally how much he appreciates your efforts to introduce beef tallow into the nation’s French fry supply.
Stephen, you have your hand up. My ethnicity? I’m not sure why that’s relevant, but if you must know, I’m Italian. I’m sorry, I’m not sure I understand the question—what do you mean by asking if I’m the “good kind” of Italian?
Sean, Pete—if you guys could hold off on the pull-ups until I’m done? Great.
By the way, Sean, the president has specifically asked me to ask you if you can, and I’m quoting here, “Make the stewardesses ‘perky’ again”? As an HR professional, I’m not supposed to say that, but I’ve been told to expect a preemptive pardon.
And moving on to the military. Pete—goodness knows you’ve had perkiness front of mind too. Lotta great stuff this year. The president is absolutely thrilled with how much physical training you’re doing. So many jogs with the troops. I don’t know that we’ve ever had a sweatier War Secretary. Sure, there was that embarrassing little dust-up over inviting a reporter into your not-so-secret Signal chat; yes, the “double tap” thing looked a little “murdery,” but the president can’t stay mad at you—not when your chin is so damned prominent.
J.D., see that thing under Pete’s lower lip? That’s what a chin looks like.
Speaking of, Mr. Vice President, what a year! You too have done a remarkable job of excusing every vile thing this administration has said or done with admirable shamelessness. To thank you for all your hard work, the president wanted me to let you know that he would be honored if you would consider supporting Don Jr. in 2028. No, no. He doesn’t think you can win.
Finally, turning my attention now to Susie. Our history-making first female chief-of-staff. What to even say? Well, you were supposed to be doing these evaluations yourself, pulling strings and seeding feuds behind the scenes and never drawing any attention away from the president… but that plan went to s–t after that new article came out, didn’t it? Girl, you spilled all the tea. And to Vanity Fair. Bobby, I think you know one of the reporters over there, no? Couldn’t we have gotten a heads-up?
Susie, I just have to say: the president thought your comments about Elon’s ketamine addiction were hilarious. Calling JD a “conspiracy theorist”? Great. All the cruel stuff you said about other members of the administration, including your bestie Pamela Jo Bondi “whiffing” the Epstein investigation. Where is Pam even? Actually, never mind. Terrific stuff.
But.
There’s always a “but,” am I right? He didn’t love you saying he has the “personality of an alcoholic.” I know you didn’t intend for that to be, in any way, demeaning, but I’m sure you can understand why some people might find that phrase a little, shall we say, troubling. Especially in light of all the talk of (I’m going to whisper this word because I’m confident most of you are recording this conversation to be used as blackmail against each other) dementia.
In the future, if you could not suggest the president is an alcoholic, that would be great. Thanks. With that said, he really appreciated a different comment you made in the article, and I want to read it aloud because I think it nicely illustrates the way the president views your roles in his administration: “I hear stories from my predecessors about these seminal moments where you have to go in and tell the president what he wants to do is unconstitutional or will cost lives. I don’t have that.”
What an uplifting note to finish on, yes? Great year, everybody! Let’s make 2026 even more MAGA-nificent. Your holiday bonus checks are all in the mail.
They will, of course, bounce.
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