Someone says the “wrong” thing, wears the “wrong” outfit, has the “wrong” friends. How quick are you to judge?
Do you ever think you are too judgy? If so, have you ever tried to stop making so many snap judgments?
In “How to Stop Being So Judgy,” Jancee Dunn writes about how to break that habit and what to do instead:
When my daughter was 3, she bolted while I was paying for groceries at the supermarket. I was fumbling for my credit card and didn’t notice.
For 20 long minutes, I ran up and down the street shouting her name. Some people helped me look for her. Others asked me how I’d let this happen.
When I finally found her — she had walked home across seven city blocks — I vowed never to judge anyone, ever again.
That, of course, didn’t last very long.
We pass judgment all the time, and sometimes we don’t realize we’ve done it. Research suggests that when people see a new face, their brains decide whether that person is attractive and trustworthy within one-tenth of a second.
This occurs, said Piercarlo Valdesolo, director of the Moral Emotions and Trust Lab at St. Olaf College, “when you’re barely aware that you’ve even seen an image.”
But regularly condemning others can reduce your empathy, make you less receptive to new perspectives and leave you more prone to reactive responses, said Sanam Hafeez, a neuropsychologist in New York City. And research suggests that the more you judge, the worse you feel.
Ms. Dunn asked experts, including Dr. Hafeez and Erica Schwartzberg, a psychotherapist in New York City, for advice on how to catch yourself when you’re being overly judgmental — and what to do instead. Here are two of their recommendations:
Notice when you’re judging.
It may require “a vigilant eye” not to shift from assessment to judgment, Dr. Hafeez said. But try to catch yourself if you’re making negative assumptions based on someone’s appearance or behavior, she said.
Then, take a moment to “slow down and check in,” she said.
Dr. Hafeez recommended asking yourself: Why does this matter to me? Am I simply observing, or am I layering on my own meaning? Is my judging thought actually about this person — or is it about how I feel about myself?
Swap judgment for curiosity and empathy.
When you’re tempted to judge someone harshly, try to summon empathy for the person and to get curious about their circumstances, Dr. Hafeez said: “Question instead of presume.”
She recommended asking yourself: What might this person be going through? What might you be overlooking?
Curiosity can help “develop compassion,” Dr. Hafeez said. For example, instead of assuming that a colleague who fails to meet deadlines is careless, “question whether there are hidden factors influencing their behavior, like personal challenges,” she said.
When you’re curious instead of judgmental, Schwartzberg added, you “make room for the complexity that lives in all of us — including ourselves.”
Students, read the entire article and then tell us:
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How judgmental are you? Do you ever think you are too judgy? What types of things — or people — are you most likely to pass judgment on? Other people’s appearances? Their social or financial statuses? Their political views? Something else?
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Describe a time when you made an instant negative or harsh judgment about a person. What prompted your critical reaction? Looking back, do you believe that your snap judgment was justified? When, if ever, is it OK to judge others?
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Dr. Hafeez says that regularly condemning others can reduce your empathy, make you less receptive to new perspectives and leave you more prone to reactive responses. Do you agree? What are some other downsides of being overly judgmental?
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What’s your reaction to the advice presented in the newsletter, such as swapping judgment for curiosity and empathy? Which recommendations do you think you will try to use the next time you feel a well of judgment start to bubble up?
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The article suggests that judgments often reveal more about how you feel about yourself — your own insecurity or envy — than they do about the person you’re judging. Does that ring true? What could your judgments teach you about yourself?
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What advice would you give others who might be too judgy or who would like to be less so?
Students 13 and older in the United States and Britain, and 16 and older elsewhere, are invited to comment. All comments are moderated by the Learning Network staff, but please keep in mind that once your comment is accepted, it will be made public and may appear in print.
Find more Student Opinion questions here. Teachers, check out this guide to learn how you can incorporate these prompts into your classroom.
Jeremy Engle is an editor of The Learning Network who worked in teaching for more than 20 years before joining The Times.
The post Are You Too Judgmental? appeared first on New York Times.
