For those who missed the news, I’m stepping down as The Post’s Work Advice columnist after 14 years. For my final column, I’m sharing a few last reader updates and some parting advice.
Good boundaries make good co-workers
The reader distracted by a chatty colleague who wasn’t picking up on subtle cues has since worked on being “polite, sometimes even a tad apologetic, but firm.” When the co-worker pops by with a “quick question,” the reader now replies: “Yes, I have exactly 3 minutes! What’s up?” After three minutes, the reader says: “Okay, how’s that? We’ll continue this later if your question isn’t answered.” Usually the issue is resolved, and the chatty colleague, far from being offended, moves on so work can resume.
Bonus advice: Diplomatically direct beats silently seething.
The reader wondering how to politely shut down an older male colleague’s social invitations said he has finally backed off. The reader, who like many of us was raised to prioritize others’ feelings and who has had several “ugly” life experiences after turning down unsolicited advances, said she found it “disappointing but not surprising” when some readers seemed to blame her for her predicament. She said her situation became “an important learning moment” that has made her stricter about personal boundaries at work.
Bonus advice: It doesn’t hurt to be a little guarded with colleagues — until, of course, you start being labeled “cold” and “abrasive.” Good luck figuring out where that line is.
No happy endings, but some optimistic epilogues
Even when reader stories have less-than-satisfactory outcomes, there’s a glimmer of positive news.
Things continued to worsen for the worker facing age and caretaker bias while taking leave to look after her dying father. Her father passed away a few weeks later, and her new boss wrote her up for alleged performance issues from when she was on leave — which the company, weirdly, had required her to take in two-week increments. She protested and was fired on a bogus misconduct charge. Her main takeaway: “I would never work while on any type of leave again. Whether it’s PTO, sick leave, etc., it will not be appreciated.”
The reader also regrets not seeking a transfer as soon as she heard about the biased comments. However, she did contact a lawyer and kept detailed records, and now she and others fired under similarly dubious conditions have filed discrimination complaints.
Silver lining: A paper trail and multiple complaints can work to employees’ advantage against a scofflaw employer.
The health care professional trying to avoid working with a male colleague who had shaken her by the shoulders received little support from management or HR. “I was told my complaint did not meet the definition of ‘workplace violence’ and therefore the only accommodation they would make would be to change my desk location,” the reader said. Eventually, a new manager allowed her to permanently move to less desirable evening shifts to avoid the offender.
Although she had feared she would be told she was overreacting, the reader was pleasantly surprised by the validation she received from the column and many supportive readers.
Silver lining: If her colleague lays hands on another employee, the reader’s initial complaint could help establish a pattern of behavior meriting disciplinary action.
Likewise, a reader struggling to adjust to a tyrannical new VP ended up leaving the company. But they found some comfort in validating conversations with management and HR individuals who listened and took what limited steps they could to mitigate the damage.
Silver lining: The reader said it best: “Real, honest relationships … can make the horrible times manageable.” (But that doesn’t obligate you to stick around and endure.)
The worker whose boss had taken another colleague to a conference that he was never allowed to attend finally laid all his cards on the table before his supervisor, expressing his disappointment and desire for equal treatment. The boss “did not make any promises … [but] did make a comment that if somebody asked to meet me at the conference, I could attend,” the reader said.
Silver lining: This reader’s boss all but told him the solution: Start networking. If that doesn’t result in a conference invitation, it open a door to a more supportive group.
And for my final advice, some tips on writing a farewell letter to a workplace.
Review accomplishments and lessons learned
In these 14 years, whether covering quotidian quarrels over noise, smells and dress codes, or historic upheavals such as the covid shutdown, the “Great Resignation” and assaults on worker protections, I was constantly learning about writing, journalism, employment law and the heights and depths of human behavior.
My goal was always to offer practical advice through a subversive lens — the way I actually speak to friends and family. And when a problem simply had no good or hopeful solution, as they too often do, I tried to ease the burden by showing how many other people shared it.
I knew about the power of the pen. What surprised me most often was how effective a simple ear can be.
Thank those who helped you
Thanks first to Washington Post Magazine editor Lynn Medford, who welcomed me warmly to what was to be a four-week run, asked if I wouldn’t mind doing another few weeks, and then forgot to fire me.
Thanks also (in chronological order) to Sydney Trent, Susan Williams, Elizabeth Chang, Dion Haynes, Zofia Smardz, Suzanne Goldenberg, Sergio Non, Helen Fessenden and other endlessly patient and supportive editors who challenged me to dig deeper and saved me from myself on multiple occasions.
I stand in awe of all past and present Post columnists, reporters, copy editors, artists and others whose talent and dedication made me determined to justify having my byline among theirs — notably the incomparable Carolyn Hax, who mentored and boosted me throughout. Being promoted to colleague is every fangirl’s and -boy’s dream.
I’m eternally grateful to the innumerable employment lawyers, government officials, worker advocates and other sources who provided real expertise when I found myself treading beyond my depth.
And of course, this column literally would not exist without the letter writers who entrusted me with their problems; commenters who shared their own perspectives and held me accountable when I messed up; and the many readers who found me informative or, at minimum, entertaining. I’ve read every comment and saved every one of your emails these last two weeks.
Talk about what’s next
For 14 years, I’ve juggled triple shifts: a full-time day job, parenting and this side gig. For the foreseeable future, I’ll be cutting back to just the two shifts, and maybe enjoying some honest-to-goodness leisure time on my nights and weekends.
But even without the carrot of a paycheck or the stick of weekly deadlines, I can’t stay off my keyboard for long. Whenever I have something to say, you’ll find it on Bluesky, LinkedIn, Facebook and a sporadically updated Medium blog.
Employee satisfaction studies have repeatedly shown that what workers want, more than bonuses or titles, is to feel valued and appreciated, and to have a chance to do work with meaning and purpose. By those measures, this gig has been some of the most rewarding work of my career. Thanks for the opportunity, and I hope you’ll stay in touch.
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