How do you tell a partner (who seems very committed) that your sexual identity is changing and you feel the need to explore that?
Relationships are a dance of ongoing moments of consent, negotiations and understandings. No matter how long you’ve been with your beloved, or how many experiences you’ve shared, or how much you have in common, humans are, by nature, always in flux — which means every relationship is always evolving too. In even coming to the realization that you yourself are changing, you are moving in acceptance of this truth. For that I commend you, as this is not always easy to acknowledge.
In contrast to the illusions presented by society and media, a union of lovers isn’t as simple as the joining of two people who are just oh-so-perfect for each other in every possible way. The reality is that when it comes to sexual compatibility, a connection can be more accurately represented by a Venn diagram (as opposed to one flat, static circle). Each partner comes with their own, distinct, unique, idiosyncratic sexuality — their circle — and their relationship’s arena of erotic intimacy and fulfillment lives in the space in the middle, which comprises all the desires they share. But that list of desires doesn’t represent the full picture for each individual. It’s natural that you probably already came into the relationship with certain desires that are different from your partner’s, and it’s also normal that these desires are changing. It’s a beautiful thing to be self-aware enough to honor that about yourself, and to share that evolution with the person you love deeply.
So let’s start with this — it’s possible that, because that person also loves you so deeply, they would take an equally deep interest in all the delicious things that light a fire inside of you. It’s also possible that they might experience a range of emotions in hearing about them — from fear and anxiety about what that means for the future of your connection and their ability to fulfill you, to empathy and tenderness around how vulnerable it must feel for you to share your changing identity with them, to elation and excitement at discovering a whole new kind of sexual relationship that you could explore together. It’s also possible that you might not be the only one who has changed, and that this conversation you have with them could open up a novel portal of a more profound sexual and spiritual intimacy than the one you’ve built so far, drawing the two of you even closer.
It can feel nerve-racking and intimidating sharing something so personal as your sexuality with anyone, even with someone you’re already physically and emotionally intimate with. But those feelings are temporary. What can linger longer, however, is the slow stifling decay of your true self as it is crushed under the burden of a “secret” that doesn’t need to be one. Honor yourself and your lover by having that conversation. Do it in a peaceful, private place, maybe one that is meaningful to the two of you and your relationship. Have it on a Friday — Venus day, the astrological day of love and closeness. Share what’s on your heart. Journal or write a letter to them beforehand that you may or may not read to them, if it helps you sort out your thoughts. Maybe practice coming out to a trusted friend first, if that encouragement will assist your heart with the courage it needs to be true. And remind them that no matter how you may change, or how they may evolve, or how your relationship may transform, or how you may one day explore relationships with other people, your love for their soul will remain. Try to be gracefully open to listen to their feelings around and perspectives on your revelations too.
As you describe your partner as committed, there’s an opportunity for intersection and connection here in your shared commitment to each other through truth and openness, and the freedom to honor your identities as individuals making the ongoing decision to move through life together. What comes next will unfold exactly as it needs to for the both of you to fulfill one of your highest purposes — which is to be honest with yourselves.
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