My wife has become an eco-warrior. She has strong feelings about the environment and other people’s carbon footprints. She challenges our friends repeatedly about their lifestyle choices. I agree with her in principle, but I can’t support her moral outrage. It’s become clear to me that her behavior is off-putting to many people we see. And it’s uncomfortable for me and for them when she raises the same issues repeatedly. She seems to care more about the climate crisis than our relationships. I try to see this issue through my wife’s eyes, so I understand her need to speak up. But it’s so uncomfortable. Help!
SPOUSE
I am going to assume that you have raised this issue with your wife privately and have not made much headway. (It would be odd to keep quiet about your growing discomfort, and that of your friends, only to broach the subject with me.) Still, I have a suggestion that may be persuasive to your wife: Offer her an alternative that increases the chances of changing people’s behavior.
She probably knows already — but may need to be reminded — that there are few turnoffs more potent than being bullied by moral crusaders. I wouldn’t start there, of course! I would begin by praising her, rightfully, for her commitment to an important issue that receives little practical attention — among my friends and neighbors, anyway. We believe in human-caused climate change, but we are not altering our transportation, diets or energy habits to reduce our carbon footprints.
So, after expressing your solidarity, turn to her presentation. Tell her you’ve seen friends pull back from her when she becomes strident. Remind her that she isn’t likely to shame people into making lasting changes in their behavior. And ask her to consider posing her important question more gently: How can we call something a crisis and still not take steps to ameliorate it? A soft conversation here — with talking and listening on every side — is more likely to change people’s habits than an angry attack is.
How Long Does It Take to Write ‘It’s Perfect’?
My daughter-in-law reads avidly, takes writing classes and writes short stories. Given her interests, I asked if she would read a novella I wrote. She said she would be happy to. She knows the work is inspired by events I lived through, but it is not a rehashing of them. It is a work of fiction. I told her that, and it says so on the title page. I gave her a copy six months ago, and she hasn’t mentioned it since. I don’t understand this, and her unresponsiveness bothers me. Should I say something?
WRITER
As a fellow writer, I commiserate: You made yourself vulnerable by sharing your creative work with someone you trusted — only to have her sit on it for six months! It’s possible that your daughter-in-law disliked the novella and doesn’t know how to tell you. It’s also possible that the real-life events on which the work is based — which sound ominous — may have complicated her response to it.
But in my experience — as unlikely as this may seem — your daughter-in-law probably hasn’t gotten around to reading it yet. I would ask her when she plans to get back to you. You can’t pretend you never gave her the novella. But think twice before showing her any more of your work.
A Carton of Headaches
My baby’s nanny takes food from my kitchen — butter and eggs, for instance — when I’m at work. This leaves me scrambling when I come home and need to prepare dinner for my family. I’ve discussed this with her several times and even confined the food I intend to use in a separate drawer labeled “Do Not Touch,” but I still find things missing. The issue: She is a consistent and loving presence for my son, and I never worry about him when he is with her. Should I let this go or find a new nanny?
MOTHER
I know how hard it can be to find reliable child care, so I would try a different tack to get to the bottom of this odd situation. Rather than labeling food as off limits, ask your nanny what’s happening to it: Is she feeding it to your son, eating it herself or taking it home? Depending on her wages and other circumstances, you may be willing to feed her when she is working and you can plan for it. (Unpredictability seemed to be crux of your complaint — not expense.) Still, you have no obligation to do this, and some people would have no qualms about firing a nanny who took food.
Chestnuts Aren’t the Only Things Getting Roasted Here
I am planning a holiday meal and am faced with the awkward possibility that my brother will invite his girlfriend, a gold-digging stripper who has caused him to dip into his I.R.A. to support her lavish tastes. I find such women repugnant. Should I keep my trap shut?
BROTHER
If we took a straw poll, I suspect your brother’s girlfriend would not top the list of repugnant characters in this story. Whatever lawful work people do to support themselves is none of your business. And if your brother is foolish enough to sap his retirement accounts, that’s on him — not his girlfriend. I vote for keeping your trap shut.
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to [email protected], Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.
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