Heartbreak has its name for a reason. When we experience rejection or the loss of a partner, we feel it in our bodies. Emotional anguish even activates some of the same parts of our brain that physical pain does.
Romantic loss can also affect our behaviors. Our appetite might change, our sleep could be disrupted, or we might not be able to focus. Processing what happened can take many forms.
“Psychologically, there isn’t one set reaction,” said Cory Newman, director of the Center for Cognitive Therapy at the University of Pennsylvania.
Books, however, can help soothe us. Some explain the science behind our romantic attachments and ruptures. But mostly, they help remove “the mystery” of why splitting up hurts so much, said Shan Boodram, a sex educator and host of the podcast “Lovers by Shan.”
We asked psychologists, therapists and dating coaches to share the books they recommend most during a breakup — the ones that explore what’s happening in the mind and body, offer perspective and provide support.
‘Break Up on Purpose’ by John Kim
In this 2024 book, John Kim, who also goes by “The Angry Therapist,” reframes heartbreak as a chance to understand your patterns and to grow, rather than seeing it as a failure.
He highlights eight types of breakups — such as “The You Cheated/You Left Me for Someone Else” and “The Break Up That Never Ends” — along with personal stories to help readers make sense of their situations. Marie Thouin, a psychologist and relationship coach, recommends the book because it “gives people relatable language for their inner experience.”
“Clients feel less broken when they realize their experience fits a pattern,” Dr. Thouin added.
‘Conscious Uncoupling’ by Katherine Woodward Thomas
Katherine Woodward Thomas, a marriage therapist, wrote “Conscious Uncoupling” (a term popularized by Gwyneth Paltrow) to help couples end relationships with intention and grace. Published in 2015, the book features anecdotes, guided exercises, scripts and a five-step healing process.
Alexandra Solomon, a clinical psychologist and host of the “Reimagining Love” podcast, likes the first step in the process which is “all about creating some approximation of emotional safety and steadiness” in the storm of heartbreak. In it, Ms. Woodward Thomas suggests readers start by creating a positive intention for the future, which, Dr. Solomon says “invites people into possibility that can exist right alongside pain.”
‘Self-Compassion’ by Kristin Neff
In her book, Dr. Kristin Neff, an associate professor of educational psychology at the University of Texas at Austin, explains the science behind self-compassion, illustrating why it’s healthier than blaming oneself. She speaks about her experience struggling to be gentle with herself as the mother of a son with autism. She also suggests doing exercises such as the “self-compassion break,” a way to calm down during tense moments by going on a walk, meditating or taking time to breathe.
Self-compassion can help combat the guilt and shame that often accompanies breakups, Dr. Solomon, who also recommended the book, explained.
While breakups are not explicitly addressed in this 2011 book, Erica Schwartzberg, a psychotherapist in New York City, recommends it to clients going through a split because it teaches people to be kinder to themselves.
‘How to Be Single and Happy’ by Jenny Taitz
This 2018 book is a deeply researched exploration of what it means to build a meaningful life while single. Jenny Taitz, a clinical psychologist who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy and dialectical behavior therapy, shares her journey from a broken engagement to meeting her partner. She draws on her field of psychology, as well as a wide range of other disciplines, such as science, history, philosophy and even yoga.
One thing that makes this book helpful, is the easy-to-read research summaries at the end of each section, said Dr. Newman, a psychologist at the University of Pennsylvania. At the core, this book is an examination of what it means to live well — “a class on how to follow your values, and possibly find that partner,” he added.
‘You Are the One You’ve Been Waiting For’ by Richard Schwartz
Dr. Richard Schwartz is a family therapist who developed internal family systems, a therapeutic approach that suggests we are made up of different “parts” or personas, each with their own gifts and challenges. In this book, originally published in 2008, he applies the approach to romantic relationships that are undergoing turmoil.
During times of heartbreak, this book is the perfect medicine, said Ms. Schwartzberg, because “it will help you more deeply understand your repeated habits and relationship patterns.” Dr. Schwartz’s tools include journal exercises to promote reflection and to encourage readers to examine their feelings around conflict and expectations.
While Dr. Schwartz devotes most of the book to understanding the forces at play between our various parts, he ends it by suggesting ways that readers can use these practices to repair damage and build intimacy.
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