This story is based on a conversation with Katie Lynch, 41. The account has been edited for length and clarity.
It’s unconventional, but I currently live on the same property as my ex-husband. When we divorced, we decided to prioritize our 9-year-old daughter, whom we had together, rather than our own needs.
My other children, aged 18 and 14, also live here and get along well with their ex-stepdad. They’re from another marriage. The relationship with my first husband lasted from when I was 20 till I was 30. My second husband was from 30 to 40.
When my second marriage ended, it was a mature parting of ways, which very much set the tone for what was able to happen next.
We tried to make it work before we divorced
The relationship wasn’t working anymore. We spent a couple of years trying to make it work, but in the end, we realized it wasn’t to be, and began the process of splitting up.
We started by splitting bills and assessing what was left to pay. We wrote down all our assets and loans and realized we both need to pay off some debt.
Then we had another realization. If we were to live on two separate properties, our shared daughter would need two of everything: two beds, two sets of things for her room. It made much more sense, from both a financial and emotional support perspective, for us to still live on the same property. It helped that we already lived somewhere with an in-laws apartment that my ex-husband could move into.
People’s reaction to my unusual living situation is usually to chuckle and ask, “Why?” When I explain the pressures of bringing up a kid in the cost-of-living crisis, their bafflement usually softens. My advice for anyone considering this in a similar situation is not to worry about the stigma and what people will say. It’s about being creative and looking at your own unique situation.
We both respect each other’s privacy
What’s funny is, for my ex and me, it isn’t an issue at all. We respect each other’s boundaries, privacy, and right to a new life. We’ve both been on dates with other people. He currently has a girlfriend he’s been with for over a year. My daughter helps braid her hair; they exchanged gifts on Mother’s Day.
I’m happy to see him happy. That’s why we were separating, because we were no longer happy together.
Neither of us suggested this co-living arrangement; it naturally evolved — we transitioned from separate rooms to separate houses, all on the same property. He’s gone from my husband to my neighbour.
Our daughter doesn’t have to move around between homes
It also saves us from having to drop the kids off at 5 o’clock in the morning to fit around our busy work schedules.
Our shared daughter was still just a young kid when we separated — it would’ve been a huge pain for her to pack up all her playthings, her bike, her school uniform, and things and shuttle from house to house. We knew she’d be happier this way. It minimises stress and any disruptions to the routine she should be able to take for granted.
Having said that, I also want her to appreciate this move we’ve made for her. As adults, we set the tone. When we show respect, our kids learn respect.
I hope I’m teaching them responsibility, about putting others first, and about compromise. I’m always checking in with them, but usually they can’t wait to get out the door to see their friends. They’re kids after all. They might not understand what it took to do this until they’re older.
There’s this narrative that you should hate your ex and never want to see them again, and that divorce and co-parenting are doomed. We demonstrate a new approach, a different way. It’s not traditional, but it works for us because we prioritize kindness, respect, balance, and creating a supportive environment for our kids. They may not thank us right now, but I’m confident that this’ll pay off in the future.
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