’Tis the season for tackling holiday gift lists, but for many, the joy is gone.
The pleasure of picking out a unique gift you believe someone will appreciate has been replaced by the mandatory “wish list,” a trend that is at its worst for wedding registries.
Givers feel less guided and more compelled to choose the specific color, size or brand listed to avoid disappointing the recipient.
If you ignore a carefully curated list or, heaven forbid, go rogue and choose something whimsical that you think the person might cherish, you risk the wrath of the receiver — or at the very least an obviously disappointed look.
A Reddit user complainedabout a relative who sent a group email with a Christmas list for her and her children. The note said she would only accept gifts from the list. “On her list was expensive perfumes, links to expensive clothing items, and designer handbags,” the poster wrote. “I was livid.”
Is it me or are more adults feeling emboldened to list extraordinarily expensive items that they would probably never purchase for themselves?
These exchanges bring to mind the demanding refrain from the Spice Girls hit “Wannabe.”
“Yo, I’ll tell you what I want, what I really, really want. So tell me what you want, what you really, really want.”
When did the joy of gift-giving turn into a tedious, transactional chore?
But wait, Michelle, you might protest. How much money is wasted each year on unwanted gifts? Isn’t a list helpful in reducing returns?
It’s true, many gifts are unwanted and ultimately returned. The National Retail Federation reported before Thanksgiving that retailers expect 17 percent of holiday sales to be returned, which is just slightly below last year. It’s no surprise that 72 percent of retailers are adding or raising feeson some return methods, another NRF report found.
This reasoning might lead folks to conclude that gift lists are a way to be financially responsible. Why bother with the worry of finding the “right” present when you have a specific directive that prevents returns and guarantees recipients get precisely what they want?
After all, we encourage children to send a letter to Santa with their hearts’ desires. And when they’re older and figure out Santa’s actual address, we cut out the jolly middleman and his elves and gladly accept their handwritten wish lists.
Here’s the difference. Adulthood means you set aside childish behavior. The tantrums some adults throw when they don’t get what they really, really want reminds me of the spoiled, entitled Veruca Salt in “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory,” when she sings: “If I don’t get the things I am after, I’m going to scream!”
But I’ll indulge a debate over gift or registry lists. Here are some common questions from their proponents.
Q: Does it make sense to burden loved ones with guessing what you want, potentially leading them to spend money on something you’ll never use or will regift?
A: There’s a risk in leaving it up to someone else to find the perfect gift. And we have come to believe that the perfect present demonstrates how well someone knows you or how much they care.
But gifts shouldn’t be seen that way. They are given to show that you care, not to gauge the level of your love. Some of my memorable, non-list presents were original, creative, homemade items.
Q: With so many people crunched for time, doesn’t having a list save them time, and isn’t time money?
A: The value of a gift is in the sentiment behind it. Sure, lists are an efficient way to communicate what you want. But registries and gift lists have become more like money grabs than an expression of thoughtfulness.
Q: Is the surprise worth the risk of wasting money?
A: Okay, so if you believe that, why even wrap gifts anymore? That seems a waste of time.
We could simplify everything by just giving people money to buy what they want. Of course, that’s what has led to the rise of gift cards. Right now, an envelope full of unused gift cards sits next to my computer. I don’t want to spend them on necessities like lotion, so I keep them, planning to buy something meaningful to show appreciation. But I dislike shopping, so they just keep piling up.
I miss the anticipation and excitement from being surprised.
Q: Doesn’t a wish list help people who are terrible at picking out gifts?
A: I’m not totally against lists. They can be helpful to the gift-giving-challenged like me.
But the lists veer into dictatorial demands when people insist you stick strictly to what they requested. Or they sulk or complain — sometimes right to your face — when you instead choose to surprise them with something you think they might like.
If the person never gets you, try not to take it personally.
Q: Isn’t the goal of gift-giving to bring joy to the recipient?
A: While there’s inherent unpredictability in holiday gift-giving, focusing solely on the recipient’s joy misses something in current gift exchanges: The pleasure the giver derives from giving.
When you hand over a nonnegotiable list, there’s no need for genuine thought. The classic phrase “it’s the thought that counts” becomes irrelevant. The giver is reduced to little more than a personal banker. Where’s the joy in that?
The transactional mindset often crosses into entitlement. So I’m curious: What’s the most ridiculous or expensive holiday gift you’ve seen on a list from a friend or family member? Send your responses to [email protected]. In the subject line, put “Holiday Wish List.”
Disappointment is part of life. While it’s okay to have expectations or feel let down by a gift, the adult response is to accept whatever you receive graciously.
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