My mother died almost 10 years ago, and as heartbreaking as it was, our family was so thankful to have incredible hospice support so she could pass peacefully at home. In the months leading up to her death, my siblings and I were able to spend about half of our time at my parents’ house (we lived a few states away). Near the end, we were there all the time. When I traveled there, I did not bring a computer with me and occasionally would use my dad’s computer, with his permission. One evening as I opened the laptop, his Gmail screen was up. Without opening any emails, I could see from the text snippets that he was sending intimate emails to another woman, setting up meetings with her and ordering lingerie for her. All while my mom was dying in our living room. Although I know my parents’ marriage was none of my business, I have every reason to believe that this was not a relationship my mother was aware of. My mother passed away about two weeks later.
I have told only my therapist and my past partner about what I saw. I have not told my siblings, nor have I acted in such a way that my father would know. I understand that looking at his email screen was an invasion of his privacy, but it is most certainly not something I can unsee. We were never particularly close, and this information has strained my relationship with him. I have some guilt about not telling my siblings, as well as not making the most of what most likely are the last few years I have with my dad.
I had a wonderful relationship with my mother, I miss her dearly and feel vehemently protective of her. Over time, and through therapy, the burden of this knowledge has shifted but has not become lighter. I truthfully feel that if one of my siblings had this knowledge, I would want them to tell me. I have not yet been able to decide in my mind and heart if I will tell my siblings before he passes, after he passes, or ever. Please help! — Name Withheld
From the Ethicist:
You stumbled, unwittingly, on a very narrow slice of your father’s private life at a moment of extraordinary strain. The notion of him ordering lingerie for this woman while your mother was in the next room is repellent, and it has understandably lodged in your mind. But you don’t know what the relationship amounted to, or whether it continued. What you do know is that he didn’t end up with this person.
A decade after your mother’s death, the question is what to do for the living. You can’t do anything for your mother; you can, however, spare your siblings unnecessary distress. You say you’d want to know if they were in your position. But wanting to know isn’t the same as having a right to know, and it’s not the same as being better off for knowing. Unless there’s some family decision that would properly turn on this knowledge, telling them risks spreading your pain without purpose.
I recognize that families sometimes grow closer after the airing of difficult truths, and that if your siblings were to respond not with shock or recrimination but with compassion and equipoise, telling them might help you feel less alone. Your feelings matter. But they aren’t all that matters, and there may be other ways of healing. What about speaking with your father? You might tell him what you saw; let him know that it still troubles you. He may or may not have an explanation or, anyway, a story that complicates the one you’ve told yourself. The philosopher Margaret Urban Walker once wrote, with considered simplicity, that without knowing other people’s stories, “I really cannot know how it is with others towards whom I will act.”
That you were close to your mother and not to your father may make you especially inclined to see this as a simple matter of betrayal. But it’s far from clear that telling your siblings really would bring anyone closer to peace. Keeping your own counsel, in this case, might be better described as merciful than as evasive.
Readers Respond
The previous question was from a parent who wondered whether it was OK to lie about their address in order to get their children into a better school. They wrote:
My family and I live in a wonderful, comfortable house in a lovely neighborhood. Our young children are approaching kindergarten age, and we’ve taken a tour of the school that we’re zoned for in our district. Online it receives a 3 out of 10 rating. The facilities are very low quality; last summer the air-conditioning went out schoolwide, and students had to be bused to other schools. Other parents tell me that the education isn’t the best. … My parents live 10 minutes away and are zoned for a wonderful newer school that gets an 8 out of 10 rating. I toured the newer school, and it is clearly better quality with respect to facilities, STEM offerings and parent involvement. … To get into this school, I would need to apply for a lottery transfer, which is a slim chance. Or I would need to use my parents’ address, which is a lie. If my children go there, I would not be taking a seat from another student, because if your home is zoned there, you automatically get in. Is it unethical to use my parents’ address? — Name Withheld
In his response, the Ethicist noted:
It may seem like a small thing to cheat in this way for the sake of your children. But even if using your parents’ address wouldn’t directly displace another child, it’s still a significant deception, given the way resources are allocated based on residence. The value of your house — and the taxes you pay on it — reflect in part the quality of local schools. I don’t say that the system is fair. … But the unfairness is lessened when people have ways of changing their situation, and you do have legitimate options, even if none of them are as effortless as writing down the wrong address. … You could get involved at your zoned school, with the district or on the school board, and try to improve conditions for all the children who are stuck with the same limitations. Or you could do what many families do: Move to a district with the schools you want. On the off chance that it truly suits everyone, I suppose you could even move in with your parents. There are lessons your children will learn from the choices that you make as well as from the school that they attend.
(Reread the full question and answer here.)
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I would take those school ratings with a grain of salt. I’m a public school teacher. The school I work at has a rating of 4 out of 10. It’s a great school and a wonderful place to work, with dedicated teachers and a vibrant multicultural community. We have a lot of low-income and immigrant families, which tends to translate into lower average test scores despite the best efforts of teachers — and test scores are a big component of those school ratings. If every family with resources found a way to not attend, the school would suffer. Stay at your neighborhood school and get involved! — Liz
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Your kids are not a social or political experiment. They get one chance at an education, and often a single negative experience can have profound long-term effects. Kids need their best shot. Send them to the best school you can. — Chris
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We moved to a lesser school district. Then all the parents got together and fundraised and did P.T.A. stuff. It worked. It was part of a plan to make the community a better place. Now we have traffic problems — everyone wants to move here. — Davud
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I disagree with the Ethicist on this one. I think a parent’s primary ethical obligation is to ensure a good education for their children, as long as what they do does not oppress others. Yes, it would be good for the parents to invest their time and energy into a poorly-rated school. But in the five or six years that their children are there, it’s unlikely they will make any changes significant enough to benefit them. I do think the letter writer should consider what level of effort it would take to support this lie and whether he or she is able to do so without compromising the children’s experience. Full disclosure: We lied about our address on a form to get our neurodivergent son into a local alternative school. It made a huge difference in his school experience and I have absolutely no regrets. — June
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Many decades ago, I was this child, coached from kindergarten through sixth grade to lie about where I lived. I’m convinced those years of deception ingrained in me a certain comfort with dishonesty for convenience’s sake — not my most admirable character trait. It also left me on the outside looking in when it came to friendships. I didn’t play where my classmates played after school because I went home to another neighborhood. I appreciate my parents’ motives, but I was a bright kid and I’m not sure I wouldn’t have thrived equally well in the lesser school. — Lani
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In many states it’s illegal to use a false address to enroll children in a “better” school. People can receive fines and even jail time. It’d be best to find out the legal consequences, beyond the obvious moral questions. — Emme
The post My Father Had an Affair While My Mother Was Dying. Should I Tell My Siblings? appeared first on New York Times.
