The season of gifting is in full swing — a time when people scour the internet and shops for items that appropriately communicate their feelings and bring their recipients joy. But that’s not always achieved. Gifts can be tricky and rife with hidden hazards. Relationships can even be ruined when there’s a major mismatch between the giver’s intention and the recipient’s perceptions of it.
The circumstances of the people involved also shape a gift’s meaning and the way it might be interpreted.
My research partner Nathalie Rita and I have been seeking to better understand gifting in one of life’s most dicey, distressing circumstances: cancer.
As sociologists, we use techniques such as in-depth interviews to study the experiences, feelings and motivations of specific groups of people. But in 2021, we were both diagnosed with cancer in our early 30s — breast cancer for me and endometrial cancer for my colleague. This encouraged us to explore the experiences of other young women dealing with cancer.
By 2023, we had interviewed 50 millennial women diagnosed with cancer about a plethora of social and emotional topics related to their illness. Our own experiences with cancer revealed curious patterns in the gifts we very gratefully received from family and friends. So, we included a few questions about gifts in our research.
We expected some eccentric anecdotes similar to our own experiences. But our research, which isn’t yet published, revealed just how much of a mismatch there is between what people wanted and what they received — often driven by the marketing of specific gifts or care packages for cancer patients. We found that some of these marketed products may not match up with what many people with a serious illness actually desire.
What loved ones give
One of our first questions was, what exactly do women diagnosed with cancer receive from their loved ones? Their answers ran the gamut. Our interviewees reported hundreds of gifts, from stuffed possums to child care help to Vitamix blenders. Friends and family were very eager to shower them with goods.
But from these hundreds of items and acts, 10 popped up over and over again. In order of frequency, they were:
- Fuzzy socks.
- Food and drinks, particularly herbal teas, groceries, gourmet goodies and meals via services such as Meal Train, which is a site where friends, families and neighbors can sign up to bring food to people coping with a serious life event.
- Money, GoFundMe donations and gift cards.
- Blankets.
- Fancy spa-style self-care items.
- Written thoughts and prayers.
- Flowers and plants.
- Mugs, tumblers and bottles.
- Adult coloring books.
- Books.
The women we spoke with largely understood and appreciated the intentions behind these items in the context of their illness. Books to distract, flowers to beautify. They viewed the gifts as material proof that their loved ones wanted to deliver comfort and support in a time of discomfort and helplessness.
But the frequency of certain items perplexed us. Why so many socks and coloring books?
The long shadow of online commerce and gift guides
We traced these gifting trends to two sources: premade cancer care packages and online gift guides.
Numerous women reported receiving some of the items from the Top 10 lists in premade care packages sourced from places such as Etsy, Amazon or cancer-specific companies such as Rock the Treatment and the Balm Box. They noted that the contents of these packages usually included spa-style self care goods such as aromatherapy oils, lip balms and soy candles; herbal teas; a mug with a slogan or ribbon; and hard candies or throat lozenges.
The top seven Google-ranked gift guides for cancer patients also contain suggestions that align with what our interviewees reported, including clothing and jewelry with inspirational declarations such as “I’m stronger than cancer!”
These overlaps reflect the broader phenomena of the commercializationof cancer. Cancer has become a lucrative business opportunity and patients a source of profit.
Our research suggests that these market forces warp how gift givers perceive people with cancer and their desires.
What to actually gift someone with cancer
So, what do women going through cancer treatment actually want to receive? Our interviewees recommended:
- Money in the form of cash or useful gift cards such as DoorDash, grocery stores and Petco.
- Meals and groceries, particularly if the recipient is a parent with mouths to feed.
- Help with errands and tasks such as babysitting, transportation, cleaning and lawn care.
- Cards and personal messages of love, which serve as check-ins and gestures of care and support.
- Practical self-care items such as thick lotions, face masks and soft soaps that don’t irritate skin.
Pragmatic. Simple. Even a little mundane.
There is some overlap between these recommendations and the frequently received gifts mentioned earlier. But notably, almost none of the women we interviewed expressed a desire for the nonessential items usually stocked in commercial care packages or those associated with the profiting from cancer.
Instead, the gifts they felt touched them more deeply were ones that addressed ways in which they felt the disease incapacitated their abilities as a worker, woman, mother or caregiver.
Our interviewees spoke of financial strain from medical bills, fatigue preventing them from mothering in ways they used to, and mounting burdens that made it almost impossible to be present for partners or spouses. A monstera plant in a whimsical vase offered little reprieve from these pressures. However, a chat while folding laundry or a Pyrex of enchiladas did.
Perhaps most importantly, such offerings made them feel cared for and seen — their unvarnished circumstances recognized.
So, if a friend with cancer — or any other serious illness, for that matter — is on your list this holiday season, consider hanging those fuzzy socks back on the rack.
Instead, mull over their daily stresses and choose an item — or a task — that provides a bit of relief.
This article was produced in collaboration with the Conversation, a nonprofit news organization.
Ellen T. Meiser is an assistant professor of sociology at the University of Hawaiʻi at Hilo.
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