Adapted from an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: My husband and I (a gay man) have a 4-year-old biracial son. “James” has been at the same preschool since he was 2 and is best friends with another boy, “Kyle.” We adore Kyle’s family and have facilitated lots of playdates. Kyle’s family is Black, and it’s important to us that James has BIPOC and biracial friends, since we live in a small city that is welcoming but is majority White. We always figured that James would go to public school, as we want to support public education.
Kyle’s family is planning to send Kyle to a fancy K-12 private school that Kyle’s older brother attends. Kyle’s family has mentioned to us many times how much they adore the school, how generous it has been with financial aid, and how eager it is to be both more diverse and actively anti-racist.
We can easily picture James and Kyle in school together their whole careers, and I’m comforted that they could help each other through microaggressions and possible tokenism together. However, we also worry that Kyle’s family could move, or that any number of other things could transpire to make it seem crazy to consider sending our kid to a school we wouldn’t have otherwise considered just because of one other kid.
What do you think? We are a gay biracial family, so we overthink a lot.
— Picturing It
Picturing It: It’s not every day that I see a short sentence with as much to say as your kicker. Messages (all) received.
So: Tour the school. Take a really good look and ask hard questions about it. Then, if you’re intrigued, ask yourselves all the hard questions, too — the diversity ones, the privilege ones, the opportunity ones, the which-would-you-want-if-you-were-your-kid ones. Save some of the best rabbit-hole dives for the possible unintended consequences of School A and School B. If I’m gleaning correctly, then both will come with a majority White enrollment, so your decision will be more a matter of curriculum, culture and the intangibles. Peers and vibe.
Decide whether you would want your child there even if Kyle’s family moved abroad tomorrow. The crux of it was never Kyle anyway; it’s about what’s best for your kid. Kyle’s family was merely your introduction to the school, and, in that sense, no, it’s not crazy to consider it for James now essentially out of the blue. That’s more common than you may realize.
I know I just advised an overthinker to overthink, but I assume your not doing so was never an option anyway, so at least I could offer a syllabus.
Readers’ thoughts:
· I encourage you to let go of the “overthinking” label. Of course you are on high alert. You are committed to how your son can best navigate society both as it exists today and as he will probably experience it as he grows up. And to how he views himself. I wish that every parent brought that level of awareness and care to their child’s well-being. In addition, you are examining the values that matter to you as individuals and as a family, and how those impact the community in terms of public and private education. Please be kind to yourselves and acknowledge your deep reflections and the compassion and awareness you bring to sifting, sorting and decision-making.
· Our family strongly supports public schools with our time, talents and resources. But when the schools stopped working for our children, we struggled to make it work. Then we gave ourselves permission to find places that did, even though they were not traditional public schools.
It took way longer than it should have, and I felt a lot of guilt at times. But nothing would have been accomplished by sacrificing my children on the altar of “supporting public schools is only real if you go there.”
· I started thinking about all that happened to my son by the time he turned 18. There were so many experiences he and I had that I could never have imagined when he was 4. Along the way, I always felt, “Things work until they don’t.” Then I had to adjust to find something that fit the situation better and recalibrate my expectations.
You care about your son and his future. You’re going to make a good choice.
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