Dear Eric: My late mother made a special Christmas cookie that required tedious decorating, considering each person’s personal preference for toppings, and giving them as gifts to family and friends. They always had a place of honor on our family Christmas table.
When she was no longer able, she gave me the cookie cutter, and my daughters and I took over the family tradition. It takes the three of us several days to make, bake, decorate, package and mail cookies to family members around the country. We enjoy doing it and feel like we’re continuing the fun and festive tradition.
However, in recent years, not all of the recipients acknowledge receipt. At some point in their lives, they have all helped Grandma decorate, so they know the time involved. Because of past delivery issues, I track the boxes and inquire if I haven’t heard from them in a couple of days. Last year, one response was “yes we got them.” This feels unappreciative!
In the past most would text a picture of their children with the cookies, which we really enjoyed. We rarely see any of them anymore, as they are busy raising their families and don’t live nearby. This seems like a way for us to continue somewhat of a connection.
Now my “cookie-making crew” is divided on whether we should continue sending them. Stop altogether? Just send to the ones who acknowledge? Continue sending to all in the spirit of Christmas? We would appreciate your unbiased take.
— Baked in Tradition
Tradition: This feels like a great time to re-evaluate what you’re doing and why you’re doing it. Traditions can become rote on all sides, especially in families, so it can be useful to ask yourself if the activity, as it’s currently being performed, matches your goals for it.
Maybe the joy is in carrying on your mother’s tradition. In that case, you might focus mostly on the time you get to spend with your daughters and the gift that your mother passed down to you.
However, I suspect that, even if this is the primary motivation, the time spent making and shipping must be beginning to wear on you. I would take that as a sign from your body and the rhythms of your life that this might be a moment to adjust the tradition.
It also seems like the tradition isn’t connecting you to relatives in the way that it used to. This isn’t the tradition’s fault, per se, but if what you want is a connection with far-flung relatives, you might have to try something new. It could be as simple as asking for a call, card or updated photo. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you need.
Perhaps this year you can try a downsized version of the tradition on for size. See what it feels like to only send cookies to those who still acknowledge them. Think of it less as punishing those who’ve dropped off, but rather as nurturing the bonds that this tradition still serves.
Dear Eric: I have an etiquette question. For background, I went through a very difficult period in my life where my friends really showed me what a chosen family is, they saved me when I was completely on my own.
For Christmas I always have a Christmas dinner, where I make everything on my own, and make dinner for my close group of friends. For me this is my family dinner.
Given that, I make dinner, and it’s fully by my own hands. How do I politely tell people when they ask if they can bring a friend that no, they cannot?
I understand it sounds rude for me to say this family dinner is because my friends saved me, but I am making dinner for everyone, and it isn’t a party, it’s for my family. I know the holidays can be hard and sometimes people don’t have family to be around, but I also don’t have space and the extra funds to make dinner for people, especially those I don’t know.
— Trying Not to Be a Grinch
Trying: Blame it on space and logistics. Because, from your letter, it sounds like that’s also one reason you can’t accommodate guests, even if it’s not the primary reason.
You can explain that you have a limited amount of space and food and you squeeze everyone that you can into that space, so there simply isn’t extra space for guests. Even if it was “just one more,” if everyone got a plus-one your gathering would be unwieldy.
It’s also not rude to say that you’ve curated the guest list carefully and your vision for the dinner is that it’s just these close friends of yours. You’re the host, you’re doing all the work; your friends will understand.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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