Dear Eric: I’m a 47-year-old guy who has been with my wife, 44, for 12 years. Six years ago, we made the decision to uproot ourselves from city life and buy an acreage. We had long discussions about what this would entail — the work it needs, maintenance, et cetera.
My wife was very keen on the idea, and she assured me that she would be helping with all that the property requires.
We both work full-time jobs. Since we moved here, she has barely lifted a finger. I handle most of the outside work, which is laborious, and she is to handle the majority of the inside housework. I find myself doing the lion’s share of everything as she is more interested in her internet games and streaming videos.
I have a few health concerns that need to be managed and doing everything myself is beginning to wear on me. When I try to have conversations about needing more help or when I try to motivate her into helping, she just shuts down and proceeds to lay in bed with her online game.
I have noticed the physical changes in her due to this lifestyle and anything I say in an attempt to get her to be more active and healthier is met with derision. What else can I do to get her moving?
— Doing It All Myself
Myself: It may not be within your power to change your wife, and that’s not your responsibility. There’s something that’s not being said between you, perhaps from both sides. You need to find a way to talk about it. The best path is marriage counseling. You might go into it with a specific question. I’d suggest that the question be: “Is this home still the right place for us?” Right now, the acreage is an albatross, so you need a safe place, with a neutral third party, where you can both be honest about what you’re feeling and what you want your marriage to be.
Dear Eric: A friend of mine has a 31-year-old son who is dying from liver disease following a failed transplant.
I understand that a person’s lifespan is determined by a higher power. However, I am having a very difficult time with the fact that this young man is suffering, and most likely will not survive, while a particular person in my life who lived well into her 90s was nothing but a narcissistic, selfish, hateful and miserable person.
This woman was a very close relative of mine who took every possible opportunity to berate and ridicule most people she knew, including myself and many others.
For the last five years of her life, she needed 24/7 care, which was excellent, but which she complained about to no end.
I can’t help but feel that the attention and care she received from the staff was wasted on her and may have taken away time and resources from other patients requiring care.
When she finally died in her sleep, I did not shed a tear.
Life isn’t fair, I know, but the situation with my friend’s son is so sad. I can’t help but think how different these two end-of-life situations are.
I would appreciate your advice on how to move on from my deceased relative’s “milking” of her situation, while supporting my friend whose young son is dying.
— Unfair Lot in Life
Life: I’m sorry that your friend’s son is dying. You’re right: it isn’t fair and it’s fine to acknowledge that. It seems, however, that your grief has attached itself to something that isn’t related and won’t help you. This is very normal. Grief latches on to the most random things; it appears at random times and in random places; it’s hungry and opportunistic. But every time you think about the elder in your life who complained, remind yourself that she didn’t get more than her share. If she had gotten less time or appreciated her time more, it would have no impact on what your friend’s son is getting.
This is good news, because it means that we’re not depriving others just by living. Our actions certainly can. Our stewardship of the world’s resources certainly can. But everyone’s set number of days is their own.
There are larger philosophical or religious questions about why some people get less life or less in life. I’d encourage you to talk to your faith leader about the grief and confusion you’re feeling. Also talk about your anger, because perhaps it feels easier or more appropriate to be angry at this other person who was in your life than it is to be angry at life or a higher power. It’s not a crime to be angry. It’s natural. But only by acknowledging can you move through it.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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