Adapted from an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: Two years ago, my in-laws asked me and my husband if we wanted them to help us buy a house. They had asked before and we said no, but at this point we were ready to start building community roots, so we said yes please. With their help, we bought a house we love(d), a cozy four-bedroom house in a progressive suburb.
On a visit a few months later, my mother-in-law tutted over the two bedrooms we turned into our offices, commenting that “it will be hard to repurpose these for babies when it’s time.” At no point have we ever indicated that we plan to have children, and in fact we do not plan to, which we had to tell her then.
Carolyn, she was so upset that it was shocking. Though my father-in-law helped defuse, she bawled violently at this news and informed us that she felt like she had bought us a house under false pretenses. She eventually collected herself but was subdued for the rest of the planned visit, another day and a half.
It has been about 18 months since then, and our relationship is now chilly. I feel uncomfortable inviting them to our home because now I feel like they think we don’t deserve it. I find it hurtful to know they wanted us to have a nice house not so that we could enjoy our own lives, but to enrich their grandchildren. And at some level, I feel like we stole from them, even though it’s ridiculous.
Every week, I tell my husband I think we should sell the house, give them some of the proceeds and go back to apartment living. He says I’m nuts and to ignore his mom’s dramatics. But did we do something wrong here?
— Hurt
Hurt: Oh, hell no. Your mother-in-law is entirely in the wrong. So wrong that mother-in-law jokes asked not to be associated with this column for fear of damaging their reputation. She had no business attaching secret strings to her gift and then flipping her swizzle when you somehow didn’t divine and fulfill these secret intentions.
But going to (cold) war over it is just beyond — since his parents are now into their second year of effectively losing their son and his wife to their sense of entitlement to grandchild(ren). What the what.
Trust your husband and love your house. Appointing well is the best revenge, don’t they say.
And if you can’t love your house on these terms, then, well … I can’t seem to emphasize enough how much you’re internalizing your in-laws’ issue.
I do understand the ick of thinking that to her/them, you are valuable enough to deserve a house only as breeders of grandchildren. But that is, again, so disordered a reason to help a couple buy real estate that it’s decidedly their problem. There’s no evidence I can discern that if you were a “better” person, your in-laws would be less whacked.
And I say this as someone who has nothing against the whole institution of grandpeople! When it’s in the cards, and when no one’s losing one’s mind, it can be the peak of loveliness.
But okay. If you’ve tried everything (else) to un-haunt your house and simply can’t, then at least consider paying your in-laws back in installments vs. uprooting from a place you love and were fully entitled to inhabit on the terms you were offered. I.e., keep the house, snip away at the creepy strings.
Re: Hurt: Obviously, the mother-in-law was way out of line, but a couple buying a four-bedroom house does sort of give the expectation that grandchildren will be forthcoming.
— Anonymous
Anonymous: No. Not even sort of. Stop.
Other readers’ thoughts:
· OMG, your mother-in-law is so far out of line, she’s not even in sight of the ballpark. Ignore her histrionics and go on about your life.
· Whoo, boy. What a piece of work! Sorry they did this. This was manipulative of them, as well as a bait-and-switch, and unkind. You’re feeling hurt because they did something hurtful: offering a gift and then retroactively attaching strings and a heavy emotional, long-term penalty to it.
I would try to make this a “your family, you manage it” situation with your husband. Any follow-up should come from him. You owe them nothing, including money.
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