Dear Miss Manners: At several gatherings with friends and family, the food is blessed by holding hands during a prayer — after I have already washed mine in preparation for eating.
Holding hands defeats the purpose of washing them, but I don’t know how to avoid it during the prayer. Refraining from holding hands, or immediately rewashing right after, might offend the other guests. Any ideas on how to handle this situation?
Wash your hands at the time appointed, hold hands during the prayer, and then, when everyone else starts to eat, you may excuse yourself, having waited to go to the bathroom. You will then be able to wash your hands a second time with no one the wiser.
Do not let the subterfuge concern you. Miss Manners knows that it is for a good cause — just as she knows better than to ask why the initial washing was nullified by touching the hands of friends and family who have also just washed their own hands.
Dear Miss Manners: My husband of four years has two adult, financially stable sons. One is married with two children; the other is single. We drive 3,300 miles round trip twice a year for the children’s birthdays.
If we have dinner at the home of one of my stepsons, we contribute food. If we go out to dinner, we always pay. Not once has either of the sons offered to pay for anything.
I have never mentioned this to my husband, but it annoys me greatly. I see it as being extremely selfish, ungrateful and inconsiderate. In contrast, when we visit my family, they will often pick up the check. I realize that criticizing someone’s children can be a minefield, so what should I do?
That’s not “someone”; that’s your husband.
Miss Manners says this not because it reminds her of Groucho Marx (which is merely a side benefit), but because, although etiquette still applies to family, its application can vary.
She generally opposes the widely accepted belief that honesty always overrules tact, consideration and common sense. But in this case, the best solutions to your problem begin with a conversation with your husband. He may disagree with you, and be able to convince you to some course of action. Or he may agree with you, and either solve the problem or share your frustration.
But you are right not to take lightly the decision to raise the subject with him. Miss Manners knows of successful marriages in which such a conversation would be possible without collateral damage, but she cannot judge if that is the case in any marriage to which she is not a party.
Failing that, the choices are to insist that you also pay when your family is involved — a possibly expensive solution — or avoid costly events with his family.
Dear Miss Manners: Do you thank your neighbor for paying you to watch over their home while they were away?
Technically, this is a business transaction in which they hire you to perform a service. If anything, they would thank you for your work, assuming the plants and the cat survived the experience.
New Miss Manners columns are posted Monday through Saturday on washingtonpost.com/advice. You can send questions to Miss Manners at her website, missmanners.com. You can also follow her @RealMissManners.
© 2025 Judith Martin
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