Dear Eric: I allowed the daughter of a cousin, with whom I am not close, to move in with me while she finishes college. When she moved in last January it was supposed to be for a semester, but this is the longest semester I have ever seen.
We had an incident where she left gobs of hair all over my bathroom, which I had to clean up. I told her via text I didn’t like it.
She walked around my house for weeks so angry with me, and when I said something to her as she was leaving the house, she slammed the door in my face.
There were other incidents. When she moved in, she had at least nine big boxes in my living room. I have been asking for around seven months for her to move them, and she won’t.
So, we had a big blow-up because of that and now she is walking around sullen. She said she has to keep her peace; she won’t speak. She won’t do her chores anymore, either.
I want her to leave. She’s just plain rude. Am I wrong?
— Bad Housemate
Housemate: It seems like she’s fallen into the pattern of being the sullen teenager, making you the nagging parent. But you’re not her parent and, if she’s finishing college, she’s probably not a teenager either. She’s a guest in your home and she needs to treat the home and you with respect. If she won’t contribute to the order of the home and won’t communicate with you, then it’s not working, and you should tell her that. She doesn’t get a free pass.
If you want to give her another chance before asking her to leave, then it’s time to have a “state of the arrangement” conversation where you lay out what your expectations are and ask her if she can accept those. Also state that there are consequences to the agreement not being honored, namely that this wouldn’t be a place where she was able to stay any longer. Lastly, get a timeline. How long is this degree going to take? How many credits does she have left?
From your letter, however, it sounds like you’re fed up and that’s fine. We’re coming up on the end of another semester. This may be the right time for her to find another option. Because your cousin made the arrangement, you might also loop her in so she’s not blindsided and so she can help her daughter to take responsibility.
Dear Eric: I recently spent the night with an old friend. We had a 50-year anniversary visit. We are thrilled to be reunited. My friend went out of her way to make me welcome and comfortable in her home overnight. That included washing the bed linens having used fabric softener and/or dryer sheets. The bed was overwhelmingly perfumed by these products to the extent that I was coughing and effectively lost a night’s sleep.
The opportunity exists to spend more time in the future in her home, however, I cannot sleep in her guest room with those chemicals in play. How do you suggest I approach this one?
— No Aromas, Please
Aromas: The easiest way is probably to bring your own sheets/linens if you have the space in your luggage. And it’s fine to mention it in advance. “I’m sensitive to scents and chemicals, so I’m going to bring my own sheets. I just wanted to let you know. I don’t want you to go out of your way and I want to be rested enough to enjoy our time together.”
This also gives your friend the opportunity to modify the way she hosts. She might hear this and volunteer to wash the linens without fabric softener. It’s easy enough to do. The most direct option is to ask her: “would you mind not using any scented chemicals on the sheets in your guestroom?” I list this option last not to be passive, but because it may not completely solve your issue. If she’s using the fabric softener consistently on all her other laundry, there may be residual aromas that you pick up on.
The bigger idea here is that good hosting and being a good guest are both reliant on clear communication. Guests and hosts shouldn’t be afraid to ask for what they need, respectfully, reasonably, and kindly. It sounds like your friend was happy to do whatever she could to make you feel at home. It stands to reason, then, that she’d be happy to make an adjustment if it made you even more comfortable. Likewise, it sounds like you’re happy to do what you can to clear the path for a more enjoyable time. This is all good news. Enjoy your next visit.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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