Dear Sahaj: I am 20. I had one internship last summer, and I have two more lined up. I have been dating my partner since freshman year, and I told my parents about him last year before my internship started.
They blackmailed me, treated me so poorly, and overall I was so mentally drained because they said I would absolutely have to break up with him because he is not Indian. To get them off my back for a little bit, I said I will think about what they have said and take it into consideration because honestly I was so depressed. Then, that was the last of it.
Now it’s a year later, and the amount of anxiety I have felt being here again is crazy. I want to tell them, but I don’t know if I should wait or just not. I don’t know what to do, and any advice would be helpful!
— Now or Wait?
Now or Wait?: The truth is, “Should I tell them now or wait?” isn’t the real question. There is no “correct” timeline here. Some people wait until they’re independent. Some people disclose gradually. All of these paths are valid. Challenge the all-or-nothing mindset that if you love your parents, then you have to tell them everything. You are allowed to choose when, how and if you share parts of your life, especially if the cost of honesty has historically been harmful.
The real question is, “How do I stay emotionally safe while honoring the life I want?” This means merging your choices with the relationships important to you. One thing you want to explore is what you want from this partner long-term.
There’s a common loop many South Asian kids get stuck in: We’re taught that a choice isn’t truly legitimate until our parents bless it, so we keep waiting for their approval before allowing ourselves to feel confident in what we already know we want. I’m wondering if part of your anxiety is coming from that old pattern, or the belief that your certainty needs to be co-signed by them before it can be real.
If so, your work is to separate your clarity from their acceptance. It’s completely okay if you want to figure things out with your partner before looping your parents in. It’s also okay to feel guilt for making different choices. (But you just don’t want that guilt to take the driver’s seat.) You are navigating asserting your autonomy with respecting your parents, and unfortunately these are at odds. Building self-trust, and separating your goodness from their approval, will help you move toward any future conversation from a place of wanting to share, not feeling obligated to confess.
It’s possible your parents’ reaction last year wasn’t truly about your partner but rather about their fear — fear of losing cultural continuity, fear of control or fear of the unfamiliar. None of this excuses their behavior, but it explains why it felt so intense. Whatever it is, though, your parents’ disappointment, panic or confusion does not mean you have done something wrong.
If you do decide to talk to them and share more openly, consider when you would feel safest having this conversation — based on your current dependence, environment and support system? Planning this out strategically can help you regulate yourself. Maybe you write what you want to say first, practice with someone safe, have support lined up in real time or create an exit plan for if the conversation escalates. The more grounded you feel, the less you’ll absorb their panic and disappointment, and internalize it as your own.
You can love your parents and you can make choices that are best for you even if they don’t always support them. Whenever you do choose to talk to them — whether that’s now, later or slowly over time — let that choice come from self-trust, not fear.
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