Thanksgiving is almost here, and as I prepared for my extended family to descend upon D.C., our only shower started leaking into the basement.
I live in an old house that is either “charming” or “a collection of poorly done renovations by previous owners,” depending on whether you work in real estate.
As I tried to find a dinner reservation to accommodate 18 people including multiple toddlers, I fielded texts from a handyman who was looking into our disastrous plumbing: “We need to lift the floor up” and “This is crazy in here.”
My dog barks like there is a home invasion every time anyone approaches our house, which only adds to the soundtrack of drilling and Sesame Street.
My mostly well-managed anxiety began to awaken.
I had invited my family to show them a good time. But it mostly seemed like I was going to show them why it’s a bad idea to buy a very old house.
These particular circumstances may be unique to me, but holiday stress is not. As beautiful as it is to gather with our families and friends, we can’t help but worry about how it will all unfold and how everyone will get along.
“Our resources don’t change, but the demands placed on us do,” said Neda Gould about this time of year. She is the director of the Mindfulness Program at Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine and has written about how to handle this imbalance, which “creates a lot of stress for people.”
I called mental health professionals for their advice about how to navigate this season with grace.
Find the humor
What if, instead of chaotic and anxiety-inducing, my messy house was actually just funny?
“I love humor because it’s my favorite way of stopping you in your tracks and helping you reframe things,” said Kojo Sarfo, a psychiatric nurse practitioner and touring stand-up comedian. When I described the current state of affairs in my household to Sarfo, he immediately had a little fun at my expense.
“The fact that you’ve had 11-and-a-half months to prepare, and you’re still not ready, I think that’s hilarious,” he said. Sarfo encouraged me to enjoy the absurdity of the situation. “It’s difficult to laugh and worry at the same time.”
Even for people with perfectly functional bathrooms and clean houses, Thanksgiving can invite family baggage to the table. Sarfo said many of his patients dread certain topics at family gatherings, especially politics. But he said that if you’re inclined, a little bit of humor can often defuse the tension.
“People believe what they believe, and they’re not going to budge off of it. So if you can find a funny way to acknowledge the elephant in the room, I think that’s a great way to make people feel at ease and let people know that it’s okay,” he said. “I believe this, and you believe that, but we’re still having a great time.”
That said, you know your own family. Humor doesn’t have to be said out loud. If you’re in a stressful moment, it’s okay to recognize the absurdity of it, have a laugh in your own head and move on (or tell your spouse or cousin about it later).
Reframe
Sarfo knows we’ve all heard that we should make a gratitude list. But he insists that practicing gratitude really is a powerful tool to reframe our thinking. If you find yourself resenting your to-do list, he recommends physically writing down a list of what you are grateful for — big and small.
“When you can take immense joy in those small things, it’s a powerful way to reframe your thoughts,” Sarfo said.
I try this exercise and feel better almost immediately — not to mention a little sheepish for feeling so stressed. I’m grateful for my toddler, who makes me laugh by parroting everything I say (she has started admonishing the dog for barking, too). I’m grateful for the dog, who wags her tail and tries to lick my face every morning no matter how many times she is admonished. I’m grateful to have a warm and safe place to live, and family to gather with and food to eat.
Gould echoed this advice, saying that it doesn’t take very long to shift your thinking — just a few minutes before bed or first thing in the morning listing what you feel grateful for can reduce your stress and override the brain’s tendency to focus on the negative. And feeling gratitude doesn’t change how much is on your plate.
“I think we can hold both of those things at the same time,” Gould added. “We can be grateful, and we can notice that we have a lot to do.”
If you shift your focus to the gratitude, you may find that you can have a bit more flexibility around what hasn’t been done and focus on what really matters to you as opposed to what you think you “should” be doing.
Get eight hours of sleep. Seriously.
Between traveling, cooking or preparing to host, shopping for Black Friday deals and spending time with family and friends, it’s easy to skimp on sleep during the holidays. But Sarfo said it’s the last thing you should cut corners on.
“Getting a lot of sleep will put you in the best headspace,” Sarfo said. That way when the political debate at the dinner table gets heated or that one uncle makes an awkward comment, you’ll be able to navigate the situation and stay calm.
You might even see more of the humor. There’s a reason so many comedies are set around the holidays and large family gatherings.
“If you get eight hours of sleep, there’s nothing that you can’t do,” Sarfo said.
Gould said many people let healthy routines lapse during the holidays. The reasons are obvious — we’re busy. But she encourages people to try to keep up the practices that help them feel good the rest of the year, even if it has to be modified. Even if you can’t make it to your regular yoga class or you don’t have time to go for a run, maybe you can find 20 minutes to stretch and breathe. Or a brisk walk on your own or with a like-minded family member.
“I think it’s really helpful to remember the tools that help us manage our stress. And usually when we need those tools the most is the time we use them the least,” Gould said.
The post The holidays are stressing me out. I asked experts for advice. appeared first on Washington Post.
