In the oh-so-aptly-named “Eternity,” Elizabeth Olsen’s posthumous character, Joan, takes forever to decide between two terminally boring possible mates with whom to spend her afterlife. Unfortunately, choosing neither does not appear to be a viable option.
At least, not within the bounds of this interminable rom-com, whose stylings are pure soap opera and whose outcome can be spotted from space. When we meet Joan (played as an octogenarian by Betty Buckley), she and her cranky husband, Larry (Barry Primus), are driving to a gender reveal party. Forewarned by a close-up of a can of pretzels on the dashboard, we’re not shocked when, that same night, Larry chokes to death on his favorite snack. More surprising is his reawakening on a train filled with strangers and in the body he strutted in his 30s. Now played by a persuasively baffled Miles Teller, Larry is headed for the hereafter and more agita than he ever imagined.
First, though, he must navigate the Junction, a gigantic way station where “afterlife coordinators” help the newly lifeless choose from a menu of possible paradises like Smokers’ World: “Because cancer can’t kill you twice!” Before Larry can decide, he is joined by a recently deceased Joan (Olsen), who has succumbed to a terminal illness. Larry is delighted, but not half as thrilled as Luke (Callum Turner), Joan’s first husband, who perished in the Korean War and has been waiting patiently for Joan’s arrival ever since — 67 years, to be exact.
Leaving aside the fact that Luke’s elephantine patience may be more reliably ascribed to pathology than passion, “Eternity” raises intriguing questions — like how to reconcile an octogenarian brain with a 30-something body — and then ignores them in favor of a simple love triangle. Should Joan choose to live eternally in the mountains with Luke, or on the beach with Larry? Will her evenings be filled with dizzying knee-tremblers or cozy, bickering intimacy?
Sappy and silly, “Eternity” made me thank heaven for Da’Vine Joy Randolph and John Early as the quick-witted coordinators tasked with guiding our threesome to perpetual bliss. They’re a comic delight, and they aerate a movie that’s most touching when it’s least frantic, especially when it sends Joan into a mysterious tunnel where her memories of both husbands come to life. These scenes are slow and sweet and a welcome break from the arguments and punchlines that surround them.
The leads, though, never quite gel. Turner’s main job is to be dashing (not a problem, one imagines, for a former fashion model), and the script keeps harping on his hotness, as if it were an actual character trait. As for Teller, I couldn’t decide if he were miscast or ingeniously telegraphing hidden depths to Larry’s singularly unexciting personality.
Whatever the case, and despite David Freyne’s peppy direction, Olsen has less connection with either suitor than they do with each other. For that reason, the happiest solution might have been to send Joan to Paris Land (where everyone speaks English, but with a French accent) and ship Larry and Luke off to a Bro World, to see where their chemistry takes them. Happily for Joan, there would be no backsies.
Eternity Rated PG-13 for soft-focus canoodling and sorrowful drinking. Running time: 1 hour 52 minutes. In theaters.
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