My family and I live in a wonderful, comfortable house in a lovely neighborhood. Our young children are approaching kindergarten age, and we’ve taken a tour of the school that we’re zoned for in our district. Online it receives a 3 out of 10 rating. The facilities are very low quality; last summer the air-conditioning went out schoolwide, and students had to be bused to other schools. Other parents tell me that the education isn’t the best. My kids are bright, and of course, I want the best for them.
My parents live 10 minutes away and are zoned for a wonderful newer school that gets an 8 out of 10 rating. I toured the newer school, and it is clearly better quality with respect to facilities, STEM offerings and parent involvement.
To get into this school, I would need to apply for a lottery transfer, which is a slim chance. Or I would need to use my parents’ address, which is a lie. If my children go there, I would not be taking a seat from another student, because if your home is zoned there, you automatically get in.
Is it unethical to use my parents’ address? I feel guilty about the lie we’d have to keep up for five to six years but would be much happier at the better school. — Name Withheld
From the Ethicist:
It may seem like a small thing to cheat in this way for the sake of your children. But even if using your parents’ address wouldn’t directly displace another child, it’s still a significant deception, given the way resources are allocated based on residence. The value of your house — and the taxes you pay on it — reflect in part the quality of local schools.
I don’t say that the system is fair. The opportunities that people have in any society depend unfairly on many things. (There are economic returns to height and attractiveness, for example, which are surely not things that deserve rewards.) But the unfairness is lessened when people have ways of changing their situation, and you do have legitimate options, even if none of them are as effortless as writing down the wrong address.
So, yes, you could submit the transfer request and accept the long odds. You could get involved at your zoned school, with the district or on the school board, and try to improve conditions for all the children who are stuck with the same limitations. Or you could do what many families do: move to a district with the schools you want. On the off chance that it truly suits everyone, I suppose you could even move in with your parents. There are lessons your children will learn from the choices that you make as well as from the school that they attend.
A Bonus Question
My wife and I set aside a not insignificant amount of money each month to donate to one of two charities, which we do on a rotating basis (each charity gets one check every other month). We’ve checked out these two charities using Charity Navigator, and each is for a cause we believe in. We have done this for about three years. Over that time, we would get occasional mailings from other charities, which we discarded.
This year, however, the number of such unsolicited requests has grown tremendously. For example, in September alone we received 47 mailings from 30 different charitable organizations! As we head into the holiday season, I know from experience that the number of mailings and the enclosed “gifts” will increase. It’s obvious our name has gotten on some type of charity-donors list.
I open the envelopes and extract any goodies they send (small notepads, return address labels, the occasional pen, etc.) and toss the envelopes. I hate to see them wasting their money and resources, but I did not reach out to them so I feel little guilt.
My wife thinks we should notify these charities to stop these requests, but I say no. It will cost us time and money (stamps) to try and stop the deluge, and I fear it will only encourage them to mail more requests. Your thoughts? — Name Withheld
From the Ethicist:
I don’t see a problem in taking these freebies; the marketing wisdom is that they’ll create a sense of obligation, but the direct-mail mavens know that the conversion rate is low and routine failure is priced into the strategy. Still, if these mailings are wasted on you, you might look into ways of trying to cut back on them, along with the CO2 emissions, water consumption and trash that they represent. Charities do trade donor lists, but asking to be removed from a list won’t make things worse and should make things better. You can go online to DMAchoice.org, a nonprofit operated by the Association of National Advertisers, to register to get off the lists of participating members (registration costs $6 and lasts 10 years). CatalogChoice.org can help with others, and individual charities often have their own opt-out link or toll-free number. None of this will stop everything, but it could reduce the volume. So take a few minutes to try to dial back the deluge. Doing so could spare you years of irritation — and spare the charities the expense of printing and shipping appeals that go straight into your recycling bin.
Readers Respond
The previous question was from a reader who had moved her family away from her hometown and wondered whether they were obligated to return to visit her parents and extended family over the holidays. She wrote:
A couple of years ago, my husband and I made a bold leap and moved our family from the city where we were both born and raised to another city hundreds of miles away. The catalyst was a job that promised a better life for us and our kids and a needed reset from longstanding, exhausting family dynamics. Our parents and siblings still live in our home city, bound up in decades of dysfunctional codependence.
Here’s my question: What ethical obligation do we have to go back for the holidays? We love the life we’ve built here, and travel is especially hard with our neurodiverse school-age children. … Complicating things is that our kids are my parents’ only grandchildren; our having left has been devastating for my mom. … Time with the extended family isn’t particularly restful or enjoyable for us, and there are better ways for us to spend our limited time off. Do we have a duty to take the kids “home” for the holidays? — Name Withheld
In his response, the Ethicist noted:
You do have special obligations to your parents; family ties matter morally. But those obligations are limited by feasibility, fairness and the interests of your household. … Love and loyalty can require making room for someone else’s needs; they don’t require self-sacrifice without end, and they don’t override your responsibility to your kids’ well-being and your own. In short, you’ve made a cogent case against a December trip. … And while your mother’s disappointment is something to take seriously, it isn’t a trump card. … You can tell your parents that you know how meaningful the holidays are to them, and that you’ll miss being there, but that you won’t be traveling this season. … Offer alternatives: a longer summer stay, a January or spring visit, a special video call to exchange gifts, or starting a new tradition at your place if they can come when travel is easier and more affordable. we By staying put this December, you’d be choosing a form of family life that you can sustain, showing your parents consideration without burdening your kids or your sanity.
(Reread the full question and answer here.)
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I grew up in a family of nine children. Over the past seven-plus decades, it’s only gotten bigger. Like every family, we have issues — sometimes managed well, sometimes not — but we plod along. When the first of us got married, my mother issued a proclamation: Once a sibling married, they would no longer spend holidays in the family home. Her point was that we should each start creating our own family holidays and traditions. It’s been over 50 years since then, and we’re profoundly grateful now for Mom’s wisdom; we do all get together at least twice a year. People need to be honest with themselves and do what’s best for their immediate family first. Getting together should be a joy, not a burden. — Emme
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My husband and I have two adult children with children of their own, and both families live out of state. They know they are always welcome to visit, for holidays or at any other time, but we understand how difficult the logistics and expense can be for them. (And both kids call us weekly to check in, which we greatly appreciate.) If the writer and her family visit at other times, they should not feel guilty about passing on holidays, especially since it is so stressful for them. — Suzanne
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To a young, busy family, the trouble of travel seems excessive. But being an empty nester, I know how important those connections can be to the parents and grandparents back home. I think the younger family has an obligation to at least invite the grandparents to their home for the holidays. Leave the choice as to whether they travel to them. Otherwise you are shutting them out without recourse — and keep in mind that your parents inconvenienced themselves countless times on your behalf. — Patti
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Give your children the gift of holidays without the family dysfunction. It’s a joke we all make about the holidays, but in truth we are allowed to just enjoy them. I made this switch several years ago and it’s been a revelation. Start the traditions you will be proud to have your children keep, free from guilt and unnecessary stress. — Rachel
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The Ethicist makes a good case for not making the trip home — until that day when aging Mom and Dad are no longer there, and you’re left with the regrets of not having visited and the sinking feeling of, “If only. …” I think that as long as it’s at all feasible, the letter writer should make the effort, herculean as it might seem, to visit for the holidays. — Phil
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