Adapted from an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: I have been married for about 28 years. My husband was always a little controlling and insecure. Over the years, as he has matured, he has gotten better in those areas.
I realized a few months after our second child was born that he was having an affair. As you can imagine, this was a very hard time. I was really surprised because, as far as I knew, he was not a cheater. However, a few years after that, he cheated again. This time, the woman was from out of town (she was a colleague), and he invited her to stay in our house, saying she was just a friend.
The kids were still little, and to be honest, I did not want this woman raising my kids, which is what would almost certainly have happened if we had divorced then.
Recently, I noticed he was still in contact with the second one through social media. He acted like he wasn’t aware and said he stopped contact.
At this point, I really cannot imagine how to improve this relationship. We are in counseling. He says he wants to stay together. I kind of feel numb toward him, and I really feel like I can’t trust him.
Is this relationship savable? If so, how? Also, how badly would a divorce impact older kids? A while back, a person wrote in about leaving his wife, and you seemed to indicate it was even worse for older kids than for younger, and I do not want to hurt my kids any more than we already have.
— Can This Relationship Be Saved?
Can This Relationship Be Saved?: Wait, no, the old advice (I think) you’re referring to addressed the very specific, very narrow idea of waiting for kids to leave for college/turn 18 before the parents initiate a divorce. Like, “Phew, they’re gone, we can stop faking it now!” Which does have an impact on kids.
That does not apply here. Those are unintended consequences of parents at least trying to do the right thing.
You’re asking whether older kids offer any rationale for trying to un-numb yourself enough to absorb therapy on behalf of a spouse who brought his affair partner into your marital home under the guise of a friendly “colleague” houseguest and has since stayed in touch!
Isn’t that game freaking over?
Now, at least. I understand (and won’t second-guess) why you felt you needed to stay married back when it happened. It makes what he did to you even worse. You stayed because he was too untrustworthy to leave, and because you thought your kids’ new stepmother candidate was lying to your face in your kitchen.
Based on the facts as given, your husband’s judgment, empathy and promises are on his payroll and report only to him. This only gets worse for kids as their awareness grows.
If the best news you have is that he is no longer as controlling as he used to be, then, well, that’s not a thundering endorsement.
I am sorry. You say “we” are in counseling, but it’s time for “you” to be in counseling, solo. Controllers and manipulators often weaponize joint sessions.
So please talk to someone, just you. Talk through the kids question there — and all the you questions. Make an appointment with an attorney, too.
In other words, time to start securing your own and your kids’ health and stability first — and figuring out the marriage second. That is, assuming those questions don’t answer themselves.
The post Carolyn Hax: Two affairs and a big lie later, can their marriage be saved? appeared first on Washington Post.
