Dear Eric: Three years ago, I invited my 24-year-old son to stay with me in my one-bedroom condo while he saved for a place of his own. During that time, I struggled with alcohol and then needed emergency surgery for something unrelated that has devastated me physically, emotionally, financially and spiritually.
I maintained my sobriety for five months and I was working on myself, and I thought I was doing well by communicating well but it just seemed to make him angrier. He was dismissive and demeaning and defensive toward me, and I felt very unloved and unappreciated.
I recently had a very brief relapse and reached out for emergency psychiatric help.
He came to the hospital, and we had an honest conversation. He opened up to me about the trauma I had caused him during my months of drinking. Of course, I had felt shame and expressed my regret and apology when I got sober, but I had no idea how badly I treated him when I was drinking. I honestly do not remember. He said he has saved messages and videos of me when I was in a rage.
I feel like I need to know. He said he would consider showing them to me at some point but right now he feels it would be too traumatic for him.
I am terrified to see how I behaved but I need to fully understand and acknowledge it. What should I do?
— Trying to Heal
Heal: Now is not the time to see those videos. I don’t think either of you is in the place to navigate the emotions they’re going to dredge up. Moreover, if and when you do see them, that act needs to have a recovery-focused purpose. If they will help you make more specific amends or if he needs you to see something specific so that you can process together, that’s one thing. But it doesn’t sound like that’s where either of you is at present.
In the future, if you decide to look at them together, you may want to do so in the presence of your sponsor or a family therapist, who can help with processing.
Right now, however, your son should look into Al-Anon or SMART Recovery Family meetings. The trauma he experienced and the resentment he feels are directly related, and they’re not going to go away on their own, unfortunately. Your recovery may continue to be a source of ire to him as long as he has emotional damage that’s gone unaddressed.
Ask him if he’ll let you help him find a meeting. Ask if you can go to a meeting with him. But let him take the steps toward his recovery on his own, while you continue your recovery, too.
Dear Eric: My 31-year-old daughter does not write thank you notes. I am chagrined by this because I’ve modeled this for years; she is more than capable of doing so.
She had a very small wedding. Not one thank you note was written. Nor did she write thank you notes after receiving gifts for high school and college graduation.
I’m giving her a baby shower soon. I’m toying with the idea of giving her a package of thank you notes at the shower to hopefully compel her to do so. Yet, at the same time I don’t want her to feel embarrassed (or do I?). What should I do?
— Unthanked
Unthanked: A pointed presentation of thank you notes in the middle of her shower is a spicy option, but I think it would most likely just derail the event and come off as passive-aggressive. Plus, her embarrassment would likely supersede the lesson you’re trying to teach her.
She’s grown, so her habits don’t reflect on you as much anymore. Yes, she should be thanking people for gifts. But if she doesn’t, that’s between her and the gift-giver. Stressing about it isn’t going to get you anywhere.
However, if you want to talk to her before the shower and make the notes a prerequisite of your hosting, that might be an effective gambit that allows her to enjoy the day without shame.
Dear Eric: I have a suggestion for the letter writer who was in church leadership. The letter said there was an older lady who volunteers but sometimes doesn’t show up or cannot do all the tasks, due to cognitive issues (“Trying to be Kind”).
Ask her to be the ‘Greeter’ at any/all events. This way she can introduce herself and meet other church members. If she fails to show up, maybe there will just not be a greeter at that event.
— Volunteer
Volunteer: This is a great idea. Right-sizing the volunteer task helps her and helps the church.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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