Women are ruining the workplace. Before women, of course, the workplace was perfect. It was full of trees. There was no need to labor with your hands. You didn’t have to wear pants, or any form of clothes. Every kind of animal was there. You could just sit around all day and call, “Quiet. Quiet, piggy!” and nobody batted an eye, except for the pigs. It was your job to name them. There were all kinds of fruits, and they were all free, and you could eat approximately 99.9 percent of them with no problem whatsoever. And it was Good. And there were no women to ruin things, steal your ribs, or tempt you with forbidden snacks that would cause you to be expelled from your home and forced to learn a trade.
Oh, sorry, I am thinking of the Garden of Eden. A different myth that blames women for ruining paradise. Let me start over.
Women are ruining the workplace, opening their jars and releasing every conceivable evil into the world: plague and death and sickness and all manner of ill things except for hope. There was no pestilence in the world until woman unleashed it, and—oh, right. That’s Pandora. Sorry, sorry.
Women are ruining the workplace, showing up at your job with their awful rhymes, and their potions made of thumbs and eyes and bat wings, and their secret midnight cauldron mutterings, and saying you’re going to be king of Scotland—nope, those are the witches from Macbeth, aren’t they?
Women are ruining the workplace, standing 305 feet tall in New York Harbor insisting that people immigrate to your country. They are blindfolded, they are holding scales outside of courthouses, they won’t smile when you ask them to smile, and they’re made out of stone—never mind. Statues.
Women are ruining the workplace, crashing into icebergs and foundering on rocks—no, that is ships. I was confused by the pronouns.
Women are ruining the workplace, biting you on the arm, sipping your blood. No, those are mosquitoes. They’re female, though.
Underaged women are rui—no, I’m sorry, those are children. They aren’t ruining anything.
I’ve got to find the women who are ruining the workplace. Because things are worse, and someone must be blamed. I looked in the Pentagon, but if anything, fewer of them seem to be working there lately. I looked in the White House, but the women there just seemed to be behind podiums making excuses for the men. Congress is a workplace, and there are women there, but—no, its dysfunction runs much deeper. Is it tradwives? But they’re not in the workplace at all!
Someone, somewhere is ruining things. Someone is dismantling the government, ripping apart families, forcing coal plants to keep pumping noxious exhaust into the air, devastating the economy, tearing up rights, taking all our money and using it to prop up Argentine soybeans. Somebody is smashing up the White House, endangering the food supply, truckling to dictators. Someone has been mangling everything, making everything just slightly worse, with no regard for law or precedent, as cavalier with their duties as they are with human lives. Someone is certainly ruining the workplace. And not just the workplace.
I am sure eventually I will figure out who it is.
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