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Dear For Love & Money,
Seven years ago, my husband and I bought a cute little starter home in a good school district. We agreed that this was a temporary step toward building enough equity to get some acreage and a larger house sometime in the next 10 years.
A realtor friend recently gave us a “guesstimate” of our home’s current value, and it was much higher than we’d imagined. My husband has begun reminding me of our plan to get land, but I no longer want to sell our current home. It may be a “starter home,” but it’s big enough for our needs, our kids are doing really well at their school, and getting any real acreage in our same school district wouldn’t make sense financially.
I’ve told my husband that I would rather use our improved financial situation to refinance our current house into a 15-year mortgage, pay it off sooner, and make this our forever home. He is acting like I’ve deeply betrayed him by changing my mind, and like us not buying land could mean divorce.
But buying land with a house we can afford would mean miserable commutes for both of us, our kids would go to lower-rated schools and have to make all new friends, and financially, we’d be stretched too thin.
I just think he needs to be flexible and understand that not all dreams are meant to come true, and that sometimes it’s wiser to be grateful for what we have.
Sincerely,
Loving It, Not Leaving It
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Dear Loving It,
Contentment is key to life satisfaction, but dreams fuel growth. In your case, it sounds like you’ve realized that you’re more than happy with the life you’ve created in the home you once thought you’d be eager to leave behind, while your husband still has his heart set on upgrading, as you two previously agreed upon. Having two people — one who finds meaning in their contentment and another who finds purpose in their dreams — can be a dynamic balance.
Finding this balance will hinge on hearing and deeply considering your husband’s perspective as thoroughly as you do your own. It’s worth noting that you both once agreed to upgrade and buy land one day. Your husband didn’t change his mind; you did. It’s natural that he would feel betrayed by your removal of a long-term plan from the table like this.
I’m sure you’ve imagined your husband getting “his way” — selling the house, withdrawing your children from their schools and friends, and taking them to whatever far-off place in the sticks that still offers affordable acreage.
I’d challenge you to imagine — or even better yet, ask your husband — how he’ll experience you getting “your way” as well: every home repair he’ll slog through on a house he tired of years ago, the Saturday mornings spent indoors thinking about how he could be outdoors on his own land, and never getting to pass the acreage to his kids once he’s gone.
At the same time, circumstances change, and sometimes plans need to adapt. Neither of you should accept a life so fully against your will. Because it’s not about you getting “your way” or your husband getting “his way” — it’s about sharing a life you love and building that dream together.
For a moment, forget about buying land or keeping the house, and return to the fundamentals. Together, create a list of the practical priorities you both consider in your decision-making. Things like consistency for your children, inheritance, getting outdoors, saving or investing money, commute times, hosting family and friends, good schools, and whatever else you both value. Once you have these listed, make two copies and privately rank the list before sharing your answers with one another.
As you compare results, remember there is no right or wrong — only individual values. Find your commonalities and view your differences as opportunities for compromise. For example, you may find that you both rank active lifestyles high and hosting low, and you can build your shared vision from there. Maybe while your husband wants land, he has no intention of considering anything outside your current school district. Or perhaps you’ll realize you don’t mind buying a new place as long as you do it with a 15-year mortgage instead of a 30-year one.
Make your proposals to each other with open minds. Hear your husband out if he argues that pulling the kids from their school will be worth it when they’re playing in the creek and spending half the day climbing trees. Let yourself imagine he’s right, and see how it feels. Ask him to do the same when you pitch scenarios about what makes more sense to you.
Rather than allowing yourself to become increasingly attached to staying put, you should seriously explore what sticking to the original plan and finding land could look like. If there truly is nothing affordable that fits your lives, reality can be the bad guy, not you. If your husband’s right and you find an affordable home on land that aligns with your shared priorities, you may remember why you used to like that plan so much.
As impossible as it feels sometimes, in the 15 years I’ve been married to my husband, I’ve found that respecting each other’s dreams and discovering shared goals makes even the steep compromises of marriage survivable. Later, they’re almost always the best decisions of our lives because we made them together. The main thing is remembering that in relationships, winning is not getting your way; it’s growing closer. You once shared this particular dream of land ownership, and you’ve always loved the dreamer. Don’t forget that.
Rooting for you,
For Love & Money
Looking for advice on how your savings, debt, or another financial challenge is affecting your relationships? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.
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The post My husband and I planned to sell our starter home to buy land. Now I want to stay, and he feels betrayed — what do we do? appeared first on Business Insider.
