Dear Meghan: My 5-year-old is in kindergarten and nearly every day something new “appears.” These are mostly small toys, junk, sometimes books, etc. He will often present these items to me at school pickup like, “Hey Mom, look what I found in my backpack!”
When I ask where something actually came from, he will emphatically lie, saying, “It just appeared in my pocket!” Or most often, “I don’t know where it came from.”
I know a lot of kids bring stuff to school and probably a lot does end up on the ground, in the play yard or on the floor of the cafeteria. When it’s small junk (a button, a Lego brick, a marble, etc.), I don’t really care. But sometimes it’s nicer stuff, including toys or books from his classroom or classmates. We always return these items to his teacher or the lost and found.
The other day, over the weekend, he said, “Look what I found in my room!” and presented a new looking Spider Man action figure. I have no idea how he got it and no idea where to return it to.
We have talked about this many times. How we cannot take things that don’t belong to us and that stealing is mean and wrong. That ultimately, stealing is a crime and against the law. He will listen and say, “Okay,” and nothing changes.
This child has many, many, more toys than he needs or plays with. He is and has always been really smart, in addition to being big and strong and fast. He’s one of the oldest in his grade. In pre-K, his teacher said of him, “He’s unequivocally our class leader!” He is also extremely strong willed and high energy. He’s much more of a handful than his older brother ever was.
I guess I just don’t get why this kid who has everything and to whom things come easily has this compulsion to take things that don’t belong to him. Why doesn’t he care when we tell him he can’t keep doing this?
We have bent over backward to be available and connected to this child since he came into the world. How can we convince him that stealing is wrong and he must stop? We are at a loss.
— At A Loss
At A Loss: I had a memory upon reading your note: I was about 6 years old and playing at my neighbor’s house. He had to have every Smurf figurine known to man, and I desperately wanted a particular Smurfette he owned. Without even a thought, I stuck the figurine deep in my pocket and ran home. I hid Smurfette in my sock drawer and never looked at her. I couldn’t play with her. I felt tortured by the toy, and so the next time I went to my neighbor’s house, I returned Smurfette back to her rightful owner and felt great relief.
While 5 and 6 can be quite different developmentally, having a sense of guilt and shame is expected for the age. Guilt and shame start as early as toddlerhood and, based on their temperament and environment (parenting), these traits will emerge differently in each child.
It is typical for children to have a wide range of guilt and shame, but it is noteworthy that your son is proudly showing you his acquisitions with not even a whiff of guilt. When children this age “steal” or take things that don’t belong to them, they will often hide it or lie that someone gave it to them. It seems that your son is skipping over the developmental point of pausing before he takes the toy, guilt after he takes the toy or both.
You’ve hit the obvious parenting go-tos: Asking where the toys came from and lecturing him on the wrongness of stealing. Your son doesn’t care, and the warnings and threats aren’t affecting the behavior, so we need to ask the crucial question: Why? Why is your son seemingly taking things without guilt or shame?
You say your son is “big and strong and fast” and “strong willed and high energy,” so I am thinking that while he is very bright (could be gifted), he also is very much struggling with his executive functioning (i.e. impulse control) and needs support. Impulse control is under the umbrella of self-control, and while your son’s brain is very much “under construction,” the sooner we know whether he needs support, the better.
I would make a list of all of his behaviors (the good, bad and the ugly) and bring it to your pediatrician. Please note how long the behaviors have been going on, as well as how your son responds to typical consequences. What you may realize is that, while you are upset at these behaviors, there aren’t as many examples as you thought, and it could be that you are overreacting to some typical-ish behaviors for a 5-year-old.
I am not so much interested in a diagnosis as I am wanting support for your son before he is labeled “bad,” “problematic” or “a lying stealer.” His brain’s ability to think before acting needs specific help, but if he begins to internalize that he is a “bad boy,” we will run afoul of many more behavioral problems (which will make the stolen Spider Man look easy).
So stop lecturing him. It isn’t working, and it is only upsetting you more. Reach out to his teachers and other adults in his life for more information. I am curious whether they have more insight into what they are seeing in school, and the information will be good for the pediatrician. Try playing with him where you “pretend” to take things from other people (and vice versa), and notice what comes up. Observe how he plays, what he says, how he thinks and what he is feeling. Pretend to take things and see what he says to you. I don’t know what will happen, but it is a good starting point for understanding him better.
Ultimately, we want him to mature into a young person who appropriately feels guilt and shame, and to do that, we need to help his executive functioning skills. Stop looking at this as a willpower issue (he is good or bad), and begin to see it as a growing maturity and skills issue (he needs loving support and boundaries). Good luck.
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