Dear Miss Manners: I work at a nonprofit that prides itself on being all-volunteer, with no boss. Decisions are made at monthly meetings. Having worked 35 years at a job with bosses, I understand that dynamic better.
With this volunteer group, it seems everyone is in charge, and personal feelings are expressed frequently. When a decision is made outside of a monthly meeting, I will either abide by it or note that we need to bring it up at the next meeting.
Any advice for dealing with emotional co-workers when you don’t want to proceed as they have told you to, and there is no boss to ask? I believe the understanding is that we are all friends. While I consider some of the volunteers friends, others I do not. Can you clear up my thinking?
Your thinking appears to Miss Manners to be clear, except, perhaps, in holding out hope of any decisions coming out of such an organizational arrangement.
Once you have done your best to accommodate or defer decisions-by-fiat of individual co-workers, the only remaining question is how to deal with the emotional outbursts. As providing counseling is presumably not a requirement for volunteering at your nonprofit, Miss Manners recommends a triage approach based on your own astute observation that these are co-workers, not friends.
The first class of outburst — which we will name “Can I call you an ambulance?” — is for outbursts in which you would be required to intervene if they happened with a stranger at a bus stop.
The second class — “I’m so happy/sorry/interested to hear that. Now, what do you think we should do about this aspect of the project?” — is for everything else, as you attempt to steer things back towards work.
The final class — “Excuse me, I think Sophie needs some help over there with the label making” — is for fleeing when all attempts to get things back on topic have failed.
Dear Miss Manners: My sister-in-law’s father died three weeks ago after a long illness, and I’ve been invited to a celebration of life at my brother and sister-in-law’s house. It starts at 7 p.m. on a weekday. She texted a detailed itinerary that includes a potluck dinner until 9, followed by eulogies and speeches. They’re doing this themselves instead of having a traditional funeral.
Usually, aren’t speeches or services held before a meal, so everyone isn’t forced to stay for hours? I work early the next morning; is there any way I can respectfully leave early?
Leaving early will require you to excuse yourself, which means a conversation with either your brother or your sister-in-law. While this could happen at the event, it would be more considerate to clear it beforehand.
Picture this conversation in your mind, using the image of your brother’s face as a guide to whether you can respectfully leave early.
Miss Manners is not suggesting this as a devious way of telling you to stay — she is not that subtle. Rather, she is asking you to use your judgment in a delicate family matter.
New Miss Manners columns are posted Monday through Saturday on washingtonpost.com/advice. You can send questions to Miss Manners at her website, missmanners.com. You can also follow her @RealMissManners.
© 2025 Judith Martin
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