I have been with my boyfriend for a year now, and I have been struggling with feelings of ambivalence about our relationship for much of that time. Sometimes, I think we’re great together, and other times, I can’t see us together long term. (This may be my form of self-sabotage.) We had a big fight recently, and I shared the details with my mother and my best friend. They were both displeased with my boyfriend. But this has been a good week with him, and now I feel guilty about bad-mouthing him to those closest to me, as well as betraying the privacy of our relationship. How should I navigate these issues?
GIRLFRIEND
When I was in your position with my now husband of two decades, I also felt ambivalent about our relationship. It took a therapist to persuade me that my doubts were more reflective of my feeling undeserving of love than of any serious problem in our relationship. So, your perceptive hunch about self-sabotage may be worth exploring.
Now, anyone who is familiar with this column knows that I am an advocate of talk therapy. You may want to explore that option with someone who is independent of your friend group and trained to help. That’s not the only path, though, if you have someone to confide in. But that person probably shouldn’t be your mother or best friend: They are too close to you. You need to find someone who will feel free to disagree with you and whose opinions won’t be colored by the ups and downs of relationships.
Another possibility is couples therapy. But it may be needlessly hurtful to explore your ambivalence about your relationship in front of your boyfriend. In any case, be gentle with yourself. Indecision in relationships can be complicated to work through. But whether this one lasts forever or not, the work you do now will teach you valuable lessons for navigating all your relationships more deftly.
And the Oscar for Best Spurned Friend Goes To …
My husband and I have thrown an Academy Awards party every year for many years now. We invite the same couples, and a good time is had by all. This month, one of the couples we invite — friends, but not close friends — threw a party and invited some of the same couples we invite to our party. For reasons unknown to us, my husband and I were not invited. We were hurt by this exclusion, and we wonder whether we should exclude this couple from our next party. Would that be petty or justified?
HOSTS
I think everyone can identify with the pain of feeling excluded. I’m sorry it happened. From your brief letter, though, it’s hard to decipher the nature of your friendship with this other couple: Do you see them on their own, for instance, or only in larger party settings?
It seems unlikely that this couple was motivated by an active desire to exclude you. They created a guest list of people they wanted to invite, independent of your list. If you want to become closer to them, invite them to dinner. But if you simply want to be invited to their parties, without concern for your underlying friendship, I suggest you let this go.
Humble Brag, Hold the ‘Humble’
I live in an area where most adult children are above average: They earn college degrees, get great jobs and move to interesting places. Their parents love to brag about them — which is odd because most adult children in our community are high-achieving. As a parent of the other kind of adult child, I’m getting tired of feigning interest. Any suggestions for shutting up these windbags? (And you don’t have to tell me I’m envious. I already know that.)
PARENT
There is nothing in the water in your community that makes many of its children successful. That is quite likely a result of the economic resources and individual support the children receive. They are lucky in their privilege. But there are other metrics of success, too: rewarding engagement in hobbies, for instance, and loving relationships with others. I urge you to take a broader view of success so that you can be more generous with your child. As for the braggarts, just say: “Yes, you’ve told me about your children’s accomplishments already.” This may interrupt their litanies of success.
Saying ‘Ew’ When He Says ‘Aah’
My partner has consistently bad breath. Apart from this issue, we can talk about anything, but I’ve been reluctant to bring it up. It’s so awkward! He had his teeth bonded many years ago, and I suspect that may be the cause. Should I raise the subject with him? I would hate to hurt his feelings.
PARTNER
You should definitely tell your partner about his chronic bad breath. (If we can’t count on our partners to tell us the awkward truth, whom can we trust?) This issue may be causing problems for him elsewhere in his life, too. But unless you have dental training, skip your theory of the case. Just say: “Honey, I’ve noticed your breath is bad lately. I think you should see your dentist about it.” You may both be embarrassed at first, but ultimately, addressing the issue will be better for him — and for you.
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to [email protected], Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.
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