Dear Eric: My sister, Olivia, died unexpectedly about a year ago. I received the call. I in turn called my other brother and sister. Of my family, only Olivia and I were close. My brother bullied us mentally and physically during our childhood.
She has an adult son, who decided to let the state take care of things, as they were both transient. There was no service. During that time, I worked through a tremendous amount of grief and sadness, as well as guilt.
Almost a year later, my brother dropped this bomb that my other sister and I could purchase an urn and that he would make arrangements for a mass and burial for Olivia. It was more of an order, than a request. The bully rose again.
I did not want to do this. I grieved my sister already and did not want to go through it again. He went ahead with it. I was floored. Olivia had not been practicing in the faith for years.
My sister texted me asking for pictures for the mass. I am so angry they are guilting me into this.
I decided to provide a picture display, attend the mass and quietly leave. I will not attend the grave site event. I couldn’t handle it. Am I wrong about this decision?
— Grieving Sister
Sister: We each grieve in our own ways. Often, especially in families, there’s an expectation that the expression of grief will be shared. People often want us to grieve in the ways that they’re grieving so that they feel validated or less alone. Communal commemoration can be very healing. But if it’s not what you need right now, it doesn’t make sense for you to force yourself to go through it for your brother’s benefit.
Your brother and sister may be feeling guilt over not being more present in Olivia’s life. That’s understandable. And it’s kind of you to help them by providing photos. But your relationship to her in life, and in death, is unique. You’re not doing her a disservice by declining to attend the grave site event. You have and will continue to grieve her in your own way. Don’t let yourself be pressured into something that’s going to cause pain. If your brother and sister won’t take no for an answer, that’s on them. It’s not between you and Olivia.
Dear Eric: I’ve got a family party in a few weeks that I look forward to every year, but I am dreading this one. Until recently my brother was extremely overweight due to eating far too much and taking no exercise. He was also a very heavy drinker. He’s turned that around now, which is great, although he still has a lot of weight to lose.
The trouble is he’s been criticizing what others eat and drink. Just the smallest comments occasionally about the calorie content of what you eat and what drinking does to you. He even occasionally comments on my size, telling me I have big hips, or I look fat in what I’m wearing. He has a toxic personality and has always been jealous of everything I’ve done.
He doesn’t say these things to be helpful; he says them to be hurtful (if he wasn’t criticizing what I eat and drink it would be something else).
Obviously, a party has a lot of food and drink, things that you don’t have every day, and people indulge because it’s a rare thing. I am dreading the comments he is going to make. I am self-conscious about my weight.
I intend to enjoy myself at this party and forget about it, just for one night. If I tell him to stop it the family will turn on me. It’s happened before as he is the golden child for some reason. It will be made to look like I’m picking on him. How should I deal with the inevitable comments without causing a scene?
— Wants to Party
Party: It sounds like your brother has a long history of working out insecurity. Unfortunately, he chooses to work it out on others, particularly on you. This isn’t healthy and it won’t help him. But that’s a problem that’s on his side of the street.
In order to enjoy yourself, insulate yourself as much as possible. First, through self-coaching. Remind yourself that his words aren’t coming from a place of care or of truth. Every word is his own lack of self-confidence talking. Reframing the comments internally may lessen their impact slightly.
Second, bring backup. Bring a friend, brief them on your concerns and never leave their side. This may not stop your brother from making his comments, but they may feel different when you’ve got someone right next to you who supports and affirms you.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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