Dear Eric: My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for four years. His daughter still lives at home. She’s kind of estranged from her mother but still gets together with her on Sundays to go to church.
I spend the weekends with him. The issue is that the ex-wife comes into the house and now the ex-mother-in-law is coming over. He even makes coffee for them. I’m in the bedroom because I really don’t like the ex-wife and I know that the ex-mother-in-law does not like me. She’d rather see her daughter go back with my boyfriend, her ex-husband.
It makes me very uncomfortable with them being there, but it is his house. I’d like to ask him to tell his grown daughter to meet them both at church, but I don’t want to start any argument. Am I wrong to think that he is putting them before me? Should I bring it up with him? Help me find an answer.
— Feeling Perplexed
Perplexed: It sounds like everyone is doing their best to navigate a complex situation. Your feelings of discomfort are valid, but you’re going to get further by having a conversation with your boyfriend, rather than giving him an ultimatum.
Think about what’s really bothering you about this habit. The ex-wife and you may not get along, but as the mother of your boyfriend’s daughter, she’s going to continue to be in his life. So, it will be helpful for you to think through what parts of the dynamic are changeable and what parts need to be accepted.
You should feel respected, for instance. And that’s something you can bring up to him and ask him to address with his ex and her mother. Cordiality goes a long way and can smooth over the rough edges of a frayed relationship. You may choose to adjust your weekend schedule, but if you don’t, getting a “good morning” out of them isn’t asking too much.
Try not to think of this practice as him putting them before you. Perhaps he sees this as a way to keep his daughter and her mother in contact. It’s also helpful to remember that your boyfriend’s daughter lives there, too. So, while it may look like your boyfriend is hosting his ex for coffee, another way of seeing it is that the daughter is inviting her family into her home. It’s a shared space, so asking people about their intentions and asking for what you need in order to feel comfortable are going to go a long way.
Dear Eric: We are a group of women who have been meeting weekly to play cards for the last several years. During the last year or so, one of our players has become increasingly cognitively impaired. As a result, we have to slow down play or correct her. This is problematic for the rest of the players.
We would like to ask her to stop playing with us, but we don’t know how to do so without hurting her feelings. We don’t want to be mean, but we also feel she is having a negative impact on the games.
Any advice on how we can handle this problem would be appreciated.
— Game Play
Play: It sounds like your friend is going through a scary and confusing time and could use some support. Instead of asking her to leave, it’d be more loving to figure out a new way that this group can interact going forward.
You don’t have to hide your concerns from her; indeed, it’s better if you involve her in the decision-making. Talk to her about the challenges in a kind way that doesn’t make it seem like she’s done something wrong. “I’ve noticed that it’s harder for you to follow the flow of the game sometimes. Have you noticed that as well? We love having you around and want to make our time together an enjoyable experience. Can we do something other than playing cards when we meet?”
I’m not suggesting that you stop playing cards altogether. This is just the beginning of a conversation. You might also check in with her to make sure she has medical and social support at home.
The rest of the group may choose to continue to meet to play together, perhaps at other times. But you can do this without abandoning your friend.
As with any friend group, when one person’s capacity changes, the group itself changes. By inviting your friend into the conversation about how to meet her where she is, you open the door to a world of possibilities for this group. It doesn’t just benefit her. This kind of flexibility can benefit any of you and keep the connections active, if and when your lives change.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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