Dear Eric: My house has become a mess — clutter everywhere — after going through a season of depression. I’m now in counseling, on medication and finally starting to feel better, but the mess feels too overwhelming to tackle. I’m ashamed to ask anyone for help, and I really want to get my home back in shape on my own.
Dear Eric: My house has become a mess — clutter everywhere — after going through a season of depression. I’m now in counseling, on medication and finally starting to feel better, but the mess feels too overwhelming to tackle. I’m ashamed to ask anyone for help, and I really want to get my home back in shape on my own.
I’d love to be able to have people over again. Even though I do see my friends out, I still feel isolated, and I’d like to start dating, but right now I can’t imagine inviting anyone into my home.
How can I start making progress and get my space (and confidence) back without feeling completely defeated?
— Uncluttered House
House: Start with one corner, or one drawer, or even the corner of one drawer. It’s easy for all of us to get overwhelmed when faced with the daunting task of undoing clutter that took months to accumulate in one go. And it can feel like failure to work all day on decluttering or cleaning and still feel like “the mess” is everywhere.
So, it will help to give yourself meaningful and manageable benchmarks as reminders that you are making progress, inside and out. And that progress isn’t always shocking or linear or exactly how we picture it.
Perhaps your internal monologue says something like “I will clean this whole house today.” And then, when you don’t, it says, “See? I could have cleaned this whole house, but I am a failure.” Makes it hard to want to break out the dustpan and the Swiffer.
Try an opposite mantra. “I will NOT clean this whole house today.” Pick that drawer or that corner and tell yourself, “I will work on only this. I will get it to ‘good enough.’ And I will celebrate myself for that.” And every time you feel like a failure, or feel overwhelmed, look at one of those decluttered corners or drawers and remind yourself, “I did that. And I can keep doing that when I’m ready.”
This process may make it easier for you to ask for or hire help. As your acceptance and confidence grows, the desire to do it all on your own may lessen. Or you may find that you can make a big leap forward by hiring a hauler to come take away something big, or a professional de-clutterer’s team to tackle a stubborn room.
Dear Eric: My ex and I are on good terms. I wouldn’t say we’re friends just yet. It’s kinda new. We separated two years ago, and we got divorced about eight months ago. We keep in contact a little but it’s not like a TV show where we’re buddy buddy.
I’m sad about this because I like her a lot. We were together for 12 years, from our early 20s to our mid-30s. So, we learned a lot about life together. She’s expressed an interest in being friends but, in our relationship, I was always the person who kept in contact with people, had people over, planned poker nights or the fantasy football league.
I can’t help but think that maybe she’s lonely and I should try harder to build a friendship with her. Mostly I just hate being in this weird un-friend space. Maybe that’s just being divorced? Am I overthinking this?
— Not Quite Friends
Friends: Better to be overthinking than to be overdoing in this case. You’re looking for an action, something to do to get you out of the way you feel. And it sounds like that energy has landed on your ex. But your ex is not a project and, for now, you should leave her be.
Friendship after a relationship is very different from new friendship. With a new friendship, sometimes it’s helpful to be a little vocal about a desire to build something meaningful. Sometimes you have to be intentional about establishing a pattern of hangouts. Sometimes you have to be the convener of the fantasy football league.
But after a relationship, it can be helpful to give yourselves the space and time to re-learn not only who you are but who you can be together.
You write that you fear your ex is lonely. Respectfully, and kindly, that’s not something you should be responsible for. And is it possible that you’re lonely? And you’re used to filling your time (and your home) with activities, friends and events?
It might be helpful to call the “un-friend” space by a different name. This is going to sound harsh but bear with me. Right now, you’re not friends. You’re exes. That is a full and complex relationship on its own. It may not be like this forever. But it’s enough for right now. Lean on your other friends and wish her well. From afar.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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