You’ve likely heard of the term “makeup sex,” which occurs after a couple resolves an argument or conflict. They then “reconnect” through sexual intimacy, putting their lingering frustration and heightened emotions to use.
However, Julia Stein, a Berlin-based sex consultant and relationship advisor at Drachen Toys, believes in a different (but similar) form of sex: “mindful revenge sex,” as she calls it.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: revenge sex sounds a lot like infidelity. But, according to Stein, it’s not about getting back at your partner by hooking up with someone else. Rather, it’s engaging in sex with your partner while channeling their anger and frustration during the act.
“When couples are angry with each other, there’s already intense emotion present,” explains Stein. “That emotional charge doesn’t have to be destructive. With the right mindset and communication, it can actually fuel a different kind of connection, one that reminds both people why they’re together in the first place.”
What Is ‘Mindful Revenge Sex’?
In most contexts, revenge sex refers to sleeping with someone else as a form of, you guessed it, revenge. However, Stein proposed a far healthier definition that does not involve stepping outside of your relationship.
“It’s about taking all that heated emotion—the anger, the hurt, the tension—and redirecting it into physical connection rather than letting it fester or explode into more arguments,” says Stein. “You’re not punishing each other, but rather acknowledging that the passion between you still exists, even when it’s wrapped up in negative feelings.”
Emotions like anger and desire often co-occur during arguments between romantic partners.
“When you’re angry with someone you love, your body is already in a heightened state,” Stein explains. “Your heart is racing, your emotions are running high, and there’s this charged energy between you. That’s remarkably similar to the physical state of arousal and desire.”
By transmuting those feelings into a positive sexual experience, you’re choosing reconnection over sabotage.
“Sex releases oxytocin, endorphins, and other bonding hormones that genuinely make us feel closer to our partners,” says Stein. “After a fight, when you’re both raw and vulnerable, that kind of physical reconnection can break through walls that talking alone can’t penetrate.”
How to Healthily Engage in ‘Revenge Sex’
The most important factor of revenge sex is mutual consent. One person can’t be more into the idea than the other, and both partners should share the same intentions going into it.
“Both people need to want reconnection rather than victory,” Stein emphasizes. “If you’re thinking about how to hurt your partner or prove a point, you’re missing the entire purpose. This only works when both of you are willing to transform that anger into something that brings you closer together.”
Before engaging in revenge sex with your partner mid- or post-fight, make sure you communicate your desire, needs, and intentions first. Sex is a vulnerable act, especially when emotions are already heightened.
“Before things get physical, acknowledge what you’re both feeling,” Stein recommends. “Say something like, ‘I’m angry, but I still want you’. That honesty sets the tone.”
Communication isn’t just important beforehand, however.
“Follow up once you’ve both cooled down. Talk about what the fight was really about and what you both need moving forward,” Stein says. “Use the closeness you’ve rebuilt as a foundation for honest dialogue. When done mindfully, this approach can turn destructive energy into something that strengthens your bond rather than weakening it.”
And, of course, don’t use sex as an avoidance tactic or a form of punishment—unless you’re both into that kinda stuff.
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