Every Christmas, Gabriel Ronquillo dreads the inevitable questions from well-meaning relatives about when he’s getting married or having children.
“I don’t want to upset my folks by telling off an auntie,” said Mr. Ronquillo, 36, who is Filipino American. In his culture, he said, respect for elders is paramount. So he tries to either politely put up with the questions or to avoid the conversation altogether. Sometimes it works — and sometimes “there’s still a bit of that edgy teenager that comes out,” Mr. Ronquillo said.
Therapists say that at this time of year they often hear from clients about anxiety over such family dynamics. Uncomfortable topics like marriage, children, career choices or personal appearance may come up, said Aparna Sagaram, a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of a Philadelphia-based practice focused on culturally sensitive therapy.
While some people might find it easy enough to shut down unwanted questions or comments, “that directness may not be well received” in certain cultures or family structures, said Jenny Wang, a clinical psychologist whose clients include many Asian American women and children of immigrants. “Oftentimes we have to think more strategically and outside of the box.”
She and other experts offered these tips for navigating holiday gatherings.
Prepare yourself — and your family members.
Decide in advance how much time you want to spend with your family, and come up with a plan for arriving and leaving. That will give you a sense of control over your plans, and minimize your stress. “The root of anxiety is feeling out of control,” said Paul Hokemeyer, a licensed marriage and family therapist.
If you know you will get impatient or irritable after two hours, Dr. Wang said, you could tell your family you’re coming to dinner but meeting a friend afterward for dessert.
Communicating these plans helps others manage their expectations and reduces the chance they may pressure you to stay, she said.
Likewise, Dr. Hokemeyer said, if you know a certain subject will be radioactive, you might email your family in advance — or at least a few like-minded relatives — asking for help in avoiding that topic.
Take (subtle) breaks.
Taking regular breaks — whether it’s going for a walk with a partner or retreating to a bedroom to listen to music — can prevent “emotion overload” and help you reset, Ms. Sagaram said.
She recommended stepping away when it’s least noticeable, like the downtime before dinner. Texting a friend can also offer a break without you needing to leave the room, she said.
Amanda Liu, 27, lives in Brooklyn and alternates visits with her divorced parents during the holidays. When she stays with them, she goes to the gym or for short drives to get out of the house. And she brings her dog, who helps diffuse family tension and gives her an excuse to go out for walks.
Push back indirectly.
In some cultures, setting a boundary can be considered rude or disrespectful to elders, Dr. Wang said.
In those contexts, she said, try less direct forms of communication.
If someone asks you when you’re having children, for example, you can say “I don’t know, we’re not sure when.” If someone pushes further, you can politely take some space — maybe getting up to use the restroom or to refill your glass.
“It may feel like a passive way of disengaging,” Dr. Wang said, but it can help you strike a balance between arguing with an older relative and keeping the family peace.
Of course, such comments can still rub you the wrong way.
“The notion that you’re not going to react — let’s just throw that out the window,” said Dr. Hokemeyer.
To reset your emotions, he suggested counting to 10 repeatedly until you feel yourself calming down. Ms. Sagaram sometimes tells clients to keep a hair elastic around their wrist and pull on it in moments of discomfort, shifting their focus to that sensation.
Find ways to speak up.
Ms. Sagaram said she often works with South Asian women who feel empowered in their everyday lives but find themselves falling back into more passive roles during family visits.
She encouraged people nevertheless to “find your voice, even in small doses.” That could be as simple as saying “no, thank you” to a dish you don’t want to eat, or telling someone, “I know you meant well, but I wish you didn’t say that.”
She noted that in certain cultures, “the word ‘no’ can feel rejecting, it can feel hurtful.” She and Dr. Wang suggested finding ways to say “no” without actually saying it, like responding with “Maybe later” or a boundary-setting “Yes, but.” If, for example, a family member suggests a trip to the zoo, you could go but drive separately so you can leave when you want.
Dr. Wang said it’s natural to feel guilty about taking these steps, but warned that ignoring what you want can build resentment that may ultimately spoil family time.
“You might snap or maybe explode a little bit, because you haven’t had a chance to fulfill your own desires or needs,” she said.
The post How to (Gently) Set Boundaries During the Holidays appeared first on New York Times.
