A friend of mine saw my daughter-in-law in a hotel bar with a man who is not my son. As my friend reported it, my daughter-in-law was dressed to the nines, draped all over the man and feeding him with her fingers. My friend walked over to her and asked, “Where are your husband and the kids?” My daughter-in-law answered calmly, and my friend walked away. This information is making me quite angry and sad. Do I tell my son about it, ask my daughter-in-law or keep it to myself?
MOM
Let’s start with the loving heart of your question: You feel protective of your son and want good things for him. Nothing wrong with that! Now, your friend’s account — though it may be totally accurate — strikes me as the stuff of romance novels: a steamy seduction in a hotel bar. But your daughter-in-law’s nonchalance with your friend tells a different story: Wouldn’t she be flustered if she were caught doing something wrong? Things aren’t adding up here!
So, is your friend trustworthy? If you have doubts, put this matter on hold (for now). If not, and you want your son to know the story, report it to him in a more measured way. Be sure to tell him that you did not witness any of it personally. I would not talk to your daughter-in-law about this. Your relationship with her, even if it’s close, is based on her marriage — the intimate workings of which are none of your business.
Now, I know that I am threading a dubious needle here: sanctioning meddlesome behavior for the sake of (possibly) mitigating harm. Your son and daughter-in-law may have an arrangement that could explain what your friend saw, and reporting the story may strain your relationship with the couple. Still, if you decide to speak up, try to put aside your own feelings. Your anger and sadness — which I sympathize with — are not the point here.
Next Subject, Please
I celebrate holidays with my mom’s side of the family. They live closer than my father’s side. But my maternal grandparents are extremely conservative; I am not. I would be fine keeping our views to ourselves, but they lecture me. This Thanksgiving, topics included why I should share their religious beliefs and why it’s inappropriate for me to wear short pants. How do I tell them I’m not OK with this?
GRANDKID
With experience, it becomes pretty clear whether people are open to discussion or simply want to talk at us. You don’t mention responding to your grandparents, so I don’t know which camp they fall into. Try this: “I disagree. We can discuss it if you want, but I bet we can find something more interesting to talk about.”
With older relatives: I like asking about family history and dynamics — though you may not. Just have another subject in mind when you speak up.
Best Frenemies Forever, or Till Further Notice?
I was good friends with another woman. We have a lot in common. The problem: She tends to insult me. She’ll say things like, “You’d have a really good body if you toned it up a little.” Then, one day we were driving in her car, and I mentioned that her windshield wipers were worn out. She went on a tirade about my constant criticism of her and my unpleasant personality. I was really hurt! She later apologized, but I want to tell her that her comments are mean. Should I befriend her again, or tell her what I really think and end our friendship?
FRIEND
Let’s talk about situational awareness: the things that happens around the incidents that upset us. In my experience, for example, people rarely bring up my body on their own. I may say, “I want to lose five pounds.” And then they chime in about toning up — as a response to a conversation that I started.
Now, I am not saying that’s what happened here. I am only asking you to consider the larger context. The same goes for your harmless remark about windshield wipers: Unless your friend was upset or you said something inadvertently hurtful beforehand, it’s strange for her to have reacted so strongly. So, think it over: You can discuss being gentler with each other, or you may want to end this friendship.
A Package Deal’s a Deal
We visited our local animal shelter looking for a single cat. But we fell in love with sibling cats whose cage was marked “bonded pair.” Their affection for each other was delightful. We promised to keep them together when we adopted them. After a year, though, we believe we have one cat too many. Our place is small, and the cost of pet food and cat litter argues for one cat. But what about our commitment to the shelter?
PET OWNERS
Exactly! You made a promise that you should keep. Frankly, I am skeptical about the incremental costs of a second cat. These siblings have a special relationship that you agreed to maintain. If you are determined to have one cat, consult with the animal shelter. Personally, I would rather see them rehomed together than separated for your convenience.
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