I’ve gotten a flurry of texts lately from friends who are dating, asking whether or not something is a “red flag.”
“She still lives with her ex-husband. Red flag, right?” one friend asked.
Another wrote: “He mostly texts in emoji. Your thoughts?”
The dating world is festooned with flags. Green flags, like kindness and empathy, are a signal to keep going. Red ones, like compulsive lying, might mean hitting the brakes.
Yellow flags, however, are trickier, said Todd Baratz, a therapist and author of “How to Love Someone Without Losing Your Mind.” They signal caution — but they’re “not a 9-1-1 alert,” he said.
A yellow flag isn’t a reason for you (and your friends) to run a forensic investigation like “a detective doing psychoanalytic dating work,” Baratz said. Instead, a yellow flag is a signal that you need to communicate with the other person.
And while everyone has a different definition of yellow flags, I asked experts to share some of the ones they hear about the most — and why you should keep an eye on them.
All their exes are ‘crazy’ or ‘nightmares.’
If your date reveals that every ex has “been a horrible, borderline-crazy person,” that’s a yellow flag, said Stephanie Manes, a psychotherapist in private practice in New York City.
It’s possible that this person has been unlucky at love, but these remarks could also indicate difficulty taking responsibility in past relationships, Manes added.
Jeff Guenther, a psychotherapist in Portland, Ore., and the author of “Big Dating Energy,” recommends asking: What part did you play in the demise of your last few relationships? You could also ask your date, he said, to explain the draw toward so-called crazy people.
Both options give the person a chance to take some accountability, he said.
Your inner circle doesn’t approve.
If people you trust have reservations about your new relationship, you should probably pay attention, Guenther said. “They might see something that you don’t see because you’re love-blind,” he said. “When you have rose-tinted glasses on, all the red flags look like flags.”
Sometimes, though, your friends’ disapproval has little to do with your new suitor, Guenther said. They could be resentful of all the time you’re spending with the person or think that no one is ever good enough for you, he said.
Try speaking candidly with your loved ones, Guenther said, by asking: “Can you tell me specifically what you’re worried about?”
After they’ve shared their concerns, respond by saying, “Thank you, there may be things I can’t see yet, and I’ll keep an eye on them,’” Guenther said.
You’re asking all the questions.
You’ve asked your date what feels like 50 questions, but you haven’t gotten any in return. Or, said Lily Womble, a dating coach and author of “Thank You, More Please,” you simply receive: “What about you?”
Guenther calls this “a pretty glaring yellow flag.” Asking questions to show interest “feels like Dating 101,” he added. “You can even ask your A.I. bot to come up with five interesting questions to ask on a first date.”
But Baratz points out that dates can make people anxious and withdrawn. So try to cut the person some slack and flag the lack of reciprocity, he said. He suggested saying something like, “Hey, so it’s your turn.”
“You can be flirty with it,” he added. “It doesn’t have to be an attack or criticism.”
Your date is inconsistent.
They texted you nonstop, and then they vanish. What gives? This unreliability make us feel insecure, Guenther said — but instead of speculating about where your date went, give the person a chance to fill in the blanks.
You can open the conversation, he added, by saying something like: “Hey, I feel anxious when I don’t know when I’m going to hear from you. Can you give me realistic expectations of when you’re able to text me?”
Then try to work out a system. Maybe the person doesn’t like to respond during work hours, he said, and you’ll have to adjust.
If the person follows through with the plan, he said, “green flags all around.”
But if the date is unable to meet expectations about response time, Womble added, then “it’s a bless and release.”
What “yellow flags” did I miss? Let me know!
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