This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Ellen Jones. It has been edited for length and clarity.
Three months ago, my mom noticed a charge on her credit card she didn’t recognize.
My mom, 93, had never been the one to deal with money — my dad, 91, had always been the one to do, and was quite possessive of the role. He’d been very careful with their finances, and my mom didn’t feel she needed to know how he organized their accounts, so she didn’t keep a close eye.
But since dad has experienced quite a significant cognitive decline in the last four years, mom has been looking to see what money is coming in and going out.
That’s when she noticed this bill. She didn’t have a clue what it was for.
I had to help them out
We tried to ask my dad when he took out the credit card and if he knew of any recurring charges, but he couldn’t remember.
As I’m increasingly having to do, I set about fixing the situation.
I first called the bank. I had to get my dad to verify that I was OK to speak on his behalf. I literally had to sit there and just tell him to say “yes” when they asked a question. He didn’t know what was going on.
They told me that to access his account, I needed to provide the 3-digit CVV code on the back of the card. But we only had the statements — not the card. We didn’t even know where the card was.
Eventually, we managed to cancel the card.
Next, I had to tackle the recurring charges. My dad likely had paid for a subscription years ago. Somehow, he must have transferred the payment of this onto the credit card. Their technical support team had to get my dad’s permission once again to speak with me, but we were able to cancel it.
I’ve had to sneak behind their backs to access their financials
That afternoon of phone calls was just one sliver of what it takes to care for my aging parents.
For the last four years, I’ve had to sneak behind my dad’s back to access all his financial dealings. It has been incredibly uncomfortable. My dad has always been the leader, the one in charge, and now I’m having to get my mom to take him out of the house so I can go through his things without him there. I’m encroaching on my dad’s feeling of control, and I feel very bad about it.
I’ve had to do it over and over again.
If I could go back in time and give myself advice, I would say to get all of this sorted early. When your parents are in their right mind, get them to write everything about their finances — where their money is and how to access it, where their money is going, and how to access that — way earlier than you think is necessary.
Even if they don’t want to hand it over to you right then, get them to write it all down, make sure they continue to keep it up to date, and let you know where they keep it.
As their child, you’ll need all that information one day, and accessing it will only get harder.
I don’t have the answer that would have made the complications of these last four years go away, but I can say that starting the communication early about money with aging parents is the first step in the right direction.
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