Sonja Lyubomirsky has been a leading researcher on the science of happiness for decades. And for just as long, people have asked her: What is the secret?
Dr. Lyubomirsky, a distinguished professor of psychology at the University of California Riverside, has always chafed at this question. The secret to happiness? How ridiculous and reductive.
When pressed, she told me she tends to say something along the lines of: “Connection and relationships. Positive thinking, which includes gratitude. And a sense of control in your life. ”
But if she really had to choose one thing, she said, the secret to happiness is “feeling loved.”
That’s the premise of her latest book, “How to Feel Loved,” out today, which she co-wrote with Harry Reis, a professor of psychology at the University of Rochester who studies close relationships.
Research on love and happiness has tended to focus on the love one feels for others. But in fact, Dr. Lyubomirsky and Dr. Reis argue in their book, what really makes us happy is how much love we feel coming back to us.
People who want to feel more loved tend to take one of two approaches that aren’t necessarily effective, the authors write: They try to fix themselves (if only I were better, kinder, more attractive, etc.) or they try to fix the other person (if only my partner would finally figure out my love language!).
But if you want to feel more loved, Dr. Lyubomirsky and Dr. Reis contend, don’t focus your energy on trying to change anyone. Instead, change the conversations you’re having.
Listen better to get more love.
In order to feel more loved by others, you must begin by making them feel loved by you, the authors write. And becoming a better listener is one of the most powerful ways to do that.
Many of us think we’re pretty good listeners, Dr. Lyubomirsky said, but really, we’re mostly just waiting for our turn to speak. (She admitted this is something she struggles with.) So she recommends adopting a “listening to learn” mind set. Basically, shift your focus from responding to understanding.
“We all know that feeling, when someone is so curious about you, like they just can’t wait for you to share your story,” Dr. Lyubomirsky said. “Their eyes are shining. They’re leaning in.”
That kind of genuine, focused listening is rare, she said, and quite powerful.
“When someone feels deeply seen, valued, and understood by you, they become more willing, motivated, and even eager to do the same for you,” the authors write.
But becoming a better listener takes practice. Some simple best practices: Don’t interrupt, Dr. Lyubomirsky said, and don’t offer advice unless the person you’re talking to asks for it.
And ask follow-up questions. Dr. Reis often defaults to three words he said rarely fail: “Tell me more.”
Focus on one relationship at a time.
Rather than trying to shift how you approach everyone in your life, Dr. Lyubomirsky recommends picking one person you want to feel more love from, and starting there. It might be someone you’re already close with, like a partner or a parent, she said. Or it could be a colleague you’d like to get to know better.
Romantic relationships aren’t the only place to get that feeling of being loved, nor is feeling loved confined to just a few close relationships, the authors argue.
Once you’ve identified your target, make a plan to challenge yourself: In the next week, have three conversations with that person in which you make an effort to show real curiosity, Dr. Lyubomirsky recommended.
The authors believe giving and receiving love function together like a seesaw: You lift a person up with the weight of your curiosity and attentiveness — and they do the same in turn.
“The other side is very important also,” Dr. Reis said. “To be sharing what’s important to you, to be sharing what you’re concerned about, so it can really become a two-way street.”
Reciprocity isn’t guaranteed, but it is a powerful social norm, he added. We have a tendency to respond with care and kindness to those who show them to us.
Know when to throw in the towel.
Of course, sometimes you can do your best to listen and be open, and the other person gives you zilch in return. If that’s the case — or if you are finding it challenging to muster genuine curiosity — those are signs this isn’t the right relationship to invest a lot of effort and energy in.
“Sometimes we choose the wrong person that we want to feel more loved by,” Dr. Lyubomirsky said.
Consider questions like: Does this person seem to “get” me on some level, or at least show an interest in doing so? When I’ve shared struggles or imperfections, have they been curious and listened enthusiastically?
Ultimately, Dr. Lyubomirsky hopes that people feel empowered by the message that if you choose wisely — and focus on your approach to conversations — you will start to feel more love, and thus happiness, coming your way.
“Feeling loved,” the authors argue, “is not out of your control.”
Catherine Pearson is a Times reporter who writes about families and relationships.
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