We throw around “how are yous?” to literally everyone we interact with. Your coworkers, your barista, that weird neighbor you have to walk by all the time. It’s polite. It’s automatic. And according to communication experts, it’s also a reliable way to keep a conversation shallow and forgettable.
“For the love of all that’s good and decent, stop asking ‘How are you?’ in a conversation,” public speaking and communication coach Stuart Fedderson told the New York Post. “Those are the three most useless words in the world of communication. The person asking doesn’t really want to know, and frankly, the person responding doesn’t tell the truth.”
He’s describing something everyone recognizes. “How are you?” usually comes with a half-assed reply. “Good.” “Fine.” “Busy.” The exchange ends with both people exactly where they started, having shared nothing. Fedderson calls it a boring default, one that drains any spark from what could have been an opening worth following.
This Common Question Is ‘Useless’ and Kills Connection, a Communication Expert Says
Small talk isn’t the enemy here. It’s lazy small talk. Fedderson pushes for open-ended questions that give the other person room to answer with something real. His advice is to start with “what” instead. “What’s been the most interesting part of your day?” “What are you looking forward to right now?” “What’s something you’ve been thinking about lately?” Those questions invite detail without pressuring them to get too vulnerable.
Research supports this. A 2019 study from Harvard University analyzed more than 300 conversations and found that people who asked thoughtful follow-up questions were rated as more likable and confident by their conversation partners. A separate study from the State University of New York at Stony Brook found that asking deeper questions increased feelings of connectedness, even between strangers.
Small talk at work makes this painfully obvious. A recent poll found that 74 percent of people struggle with chatting with coworkers, despite the fact that face-to-face conversations usually leave people feeling better afterward. Dating usually follows this same logic. First impressions depend on whether someone sounds present or emotionally unavailable by sentence two.
If connection is the goal, the opener is where you’ll set things up. The next time “How are you?” loads automatically, consider swapping it for a question that actually warrants a real response. You don’t need to be clever. You just need to sound like you genuinely care.
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