Sometimes, all a relationship needs to stay strong is to break the rules.
A Florida husband and wife celebrating 20 years of marriage say they did not save their relationship by playing it safe. Instead, they opened it up.
Robyn and Christopher Alesich of St. Cloud, Florida, say they spent the first nine years of their marriage in a traditional monogamous arrangement before rethinking what commitment could look like.
A female friend moving into their home ultimately prompted deeper conversations that led them, in 2011, to open their marriage.
Since then, the couple say they have had three long term relationships involving a second woman. But they reject the assumption that polyamory revolves solely around sex.
“It is more than just sex – and we don’t need a partner, but we want one to share our lives with,” Robyn said in an interview with Jam Press.
Now 47 and 43, the couple say they did not even have language for polyamory for nearly a decade. Once they embraced it, they say they never looked back.
What mattered most was laying the groundwork early, particularly around communication.
“To navigate any issues, you need to have honest communication,” Robyn said. “As long as you are open and have frequent discussions, you can work through anything together.”
“Having boundaries from the beginning helps tackle jealousy,” she said. “It’s important to establish any potential insecurities and problems before they even arise. Missing this crucial step can lead to problems further along in the relationship.”
The Alesiches, who run the polyamorous dating app Sister Wives, say misconceptions about their lifestyle are constant.
One of the most common is the belief that polyamory is simply an excuse to sleep around.
“Many people’s perception of polyamory is that the couple is greedy and just wants to have sex with other people,” Robyn said.
“But really, many couples choose polyamory over monogamy for the freedom to love how it feels right to them,” Robyn said. “It’s not an escape hatch or an excuse to sleep with as many people as possible, but a relationship with permission.”
“It’s actually the freedom to form meaningful connections, whether sexual or emotional, that fits their needs and aligns with their values,” she said.
Another frequent criticism centers on jealousy, which Christopher says exists in all relationships, not just polyamorous ones.
“Within polyamorous relationships, there should be a mutual understanding and agreement on boundaries and ‘rules’,” he told Jam Press.
“The difference is how it is dealt with; when in a healthy polyamorous relationship, communication is a priority and having emotional awareness because of the nature of the relationship is key,” Christopher said.
“Setting boundaries helps tackle jealousy before it begins, establishing what insecurities there are and not hiding them, while addressing problems as soon as they arise helps reduce chances of jealousy,” Christopher said.
Christopher also described a concept unfamiliar to many outsiders, finding happiness in a partner’s happiness with someone else.
“Comparison is a feeling that many polyamorous people experience, the feeling of joy or gratification when someone you care about finds happiness or fulfilment with someone else, whether sexually or emotionally, almost the opposite of jealousy,” he said.
“For some, this doesn’t happen naturally and can take some inner work to get there.”
The couple is careful not to frame polyamory as a universal solution. They do not believe it is suited to everyone or that it is a superior alternative to monogamy, only that it aligns with their own values.
While open about their lifestyle, Robyn says many polyamorous couples still feel pressure to stay quiet.
“Couples may choose not to publicly share details about their relationship for personal or safety reasons, but the idea that polyamory must remain hidden is wrong,” she said.
“If you feel safe and happy to share details about your personal lives, whether with friends, families or strangers, you absolutely should!”
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