The comedian Nikki Glaser kicked off the 83rd Golden Globes on Sunday night with an 11-minute monologue that zinged some of Hollywood’s biggest stars.
As the host of the ceremony for the second year in a row, Glaser, wearing a scarlet gown, walked onstage at the Beverly Hilton Hotel and worked her way around the ballroom. Her aim landed mostly on men — for their talent, their looks and their personalities.
She thanked Steve Martin and Martin Short for proving that “you are never, ever too old to still need money.” She encouraged Guillermo del Toro to “keep making weird monster sex movies,” and then James Cameron to “keep making weird monster sex movies.”
The list doesn’t stop there.
George Clooney
Clooney had been nominated for his performance in “Jay Kelly,” though Glaser focused on some of his recent commercial work.
“I’ve always wanted to ask you this question,” she said, gesturing toward the actor, “and I know this is unprofessional, but I might not get a chance to do it again, so here goes: My Nespresso has been coming out kind of watery, and I’m wondering, is it like a pod issue or you think it might be the filter? Could you troubleshoot it for me later?”
Kevin Hart and Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson
Glaser called Hart “the Rock’s plus one-half” and likened the pair, who have appeared in several comedies together, to Steve Martin and Martin Short, but for “people under 50 I.Q.”
Leonardo DiCaprio
“Countless iconic performances,” Glaser said to DiCaprio, whose work in “One Battle After Another” had earned him a best actor nomination. “You’ve worked with every great director,” she went on. “You’ve won three Golden Globes, an Oscar. And the most impressive thing is that you were able to accomplish all of that before your girlfriend turned 30.”
Glaser said she’d had to make that joke because “we don’t know anything else about you, man.”
“The most in-depth interview you’ve ever given was in Teen Beat magazine in 1991,” she said. “Is your favorite food still ‘pasta, pasta and more pasta’?”
Sean Penn
“Everyone in this town is obsessed with looking younger,” she said as the camera turned to Penn, who had also been nominated for “One Battle After Another.” “Meanwhile, Sean Penn is like, ‘What if I slowly morph into a sexy leather handbag.’”
Glaser then spoke of Penn’s humanitarian work. “I feel like a lot of actors talk the talk, but Sean Penn will actually go to the places in the world that need help the most,” she said. “He will do cocaine there, and I feel like we don’t celebrate that enough.”
Glaser stuck it to him one more time: “I did get permission to tell that joke from your two best friends, Charlie Sheen and El Chapo.”
Michael B. Jordan
“I can’t believe it,” Glaser said in reference to the set of twins that Jordan portrays in “Sinners.” “We got two Michael B. Jordans. When I saw that, I was like Nikki B. Jerking.”
“I’m so sorry,” she said to Jordan, acknowledging his mother sitting next to him. “I should not have said that to you. That should have been a D.M.”
Timothée Chalamet
“Not a lot of people know this, but Timothée Chalamet is the first actor in history to have to put on muscle for a movie about Ping-Pong,” Glaser said of Chalamet’s role in “Marty Supreme” (which would later win him his first Golden Globe). “He gained over 60 ounces.”
Herself
While the men in the room might have taken the brunt of Glaser’s wit, she wasn’t afraid to look in the mirror, too.
“Just like ‘Wicked,’ I’m back for a sequel,” she said at the beginning of her monologue. “Just like ‘Frankenstein,’ I’ve been pieced together by an unlicensed European surgeon.”
Derrick Bryson Taylor is a Times reporter covering breaking news in culture and the arts.
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